I think I saw Osama Bin Laden

I think I saw Osama Bin Laden today.

Seriously, I think I did.

I was driving towards one of the community centres I take care of for work today, and there was a guy approaching me in a crappy little car coming the other direction. He saw me and my car, and pulled over. He was staring at me with a truly terrified look on his face.

And he was the spitting image of Osama Bin Laden.

It didn't register with me until a minute later. I mean, this is Canada, and we have a deep integration of all people of the world in all colours. It's not unusual to see someone of middle eastern descent around here, even in white man hicks land where I live.

This is why I think it was Osama.
1. It looked EXACTLY like him (given, I have trouble differentiating most older middle eastern men with turbans and big beards)
2. He was in Onondaga. If a middle eastern man was to rid himself of a turban and shave his beard, he'd blend in very nicely with the Native Americans on the reserve nearby. He'd look just like an aboriginal man from a distance. Maybe he just hadn't had a chance to shave his beard yet?
3. The fear on his face when he saw me. This one was obvious; thinking about it, I looked like a secret service agent. I was driving a HUGE north American made car, I just had my hair cut so it was short, boxy and officious looking, and I was wearing incredibly dark sunglasses.

Which is why no one has found him in the caves of Afghanistan, he's here in butt fuck nowhere Ontario!

If I see him again, I'll turn him in; but no doubt he's halfway to Kingston by now. Nobody should recognize him there, eh?

Since I've already offended the Muslims, I might as well offend another group of people too. Maybe the two giant angry mobs will kill each other outside my house on their way; each wanting the chance to kill me.

Several years ago, me and my buddy T was sitting in his car, eating some burritos or something. Or maybe it was cat shit; Taco bell and catshit taste pretty much the same.

Anyways, a late model black volkswagon drove slowly by, with dark tinted windows and black bling bling rims. There were two black guys in the front seat. T looked at me, pointed at the car, and said:

Camouflage!

I had to remind him that we were two white guys sitting in a white car.

At which point he said:

Camouflage!

For some reason, I find that shit really, really, really funny.

Anyways, if there's somebody I haven't yet offended, please come visit me at the white house, c/o G.W. Bush. Bring it!

My truck is OLD

After learning about the Holy Goat, my friends little daughter insisted on getting a ride home with me. She was so excited to be riding with Uncle Mike. Then she saw my truck. Oh yea.

Niece: Uncle Mike, is that your truck?
Spazoid: Yes Nina, it is.
Niece: Your truck is old.
Spazoid: Yes Nina, it is.
Niece: Your truck makes funny noises.
Spazoid: Yes Nina, it does.
Niece: Uncle Mike, maybe it's time for a new truck?
Spazoid: Maybe.

Yea, right. When it blows up.

What do you guys think?


Also, just to be a dick, because summer is coming up:

MEMORIES OF WINTER

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Things that shouldn't be

Many, if not every human being has a list of things that is a personal affront to them. Things that disgust them, things that just shouldn't be.

Today, I'd like to share with you my shortlist of things that shouldn't be.

1. Man boobies.
I'm not talking about the normal fat guy or the guy that's out of shape, I'm talking about full fledged man boobies. The giant sacks of fat that should only be bestowed upon women. I'm talking the true freaks of nature. And they exist. Perhaps its the hormones in beef, or maybe these guys are hermaphrodites. I don't know, but what I do know, is that man boobies shouldn't be.

2. The unibrow.It's eye brows, SSSSS, with a plural! If you only have one eyebrow, get that shit in the middle plucked. That's just disturbing. Unibrows just shouldn't be.

3. Weight Lifter Chicks.
Do these women honestly think that having bigger biceps than Mr. T is attractive? That having no boobies is hot? That being the one in the relationship to open the jars and kill the spiders makes the man happy? Women should look like women. Men should look like men. Frig, most MEN don't have the kind of muscle these weight lifter chicks have! I don't know about any of you, but when I'm feeling up a women I want to feel soft curves, not hard rippling muscles. In retrospect, these "ladies" aren't going to get beaten by abusive men, but come on. A tazer will do the same thing and is cheaper. Weight lifter chicks just shouldn't be.

4. Moose Knuckles.Everyone knows camel toe. Camel toe can sometimes be ugly, or attractive, depending on the woman. What we're talking about today is camel toes bigger sister, moose knuckle. There is absolutely NO redeeming feature about moose knuckle, which is why it just shouldn't be.

5. Front ass.

Asses are for the back. Seriously. If you start to grow an ass in the front, it's time to cut back baby. The good part? Because these things cover the reproductive organs, theres a good chance she won't physically be able to reproduce to make more little freaks with two asses.

Asses are for the back, not for the front, which is why front ass just shouldn't be.

6. Transvestites.

Men should be men, and women should be women. That's it, that's all. If you feel you're a woman trapped in a man's body, see a shrink, or get the surgery. Otherwise, just shut up and accept that your ding dong is whats been given to you, and work with it. If you still feel like a woman, then make sure you're the catcher, not the pitcher in your homosexual relationships.

Men are not women, and that's why transvestites just shouldn't be.

7. Chicks in tight jeans.
Yea, I know what you're thinking. "But Spazoid! Chicks in tight jeans are hot (providing they don't have a front ass). Even the picture you have is of a hot chick!" Yea, I know. They ARE hot! Well, they LOOK hot. A funny thing happens when women wear really tight jeans. Their cooch can't breathe. Yes, I've done the research. What happens is, all of the oxygen loving bacteria, that DO NOT smell, die. Once gone, all of the bacteria that don't need oxygen move into the space formerly occupied by the good bacteria. These bacteria STINK. If a girl is in the habit of wearing tighty tight jeans, and they come off, the smell is enough to make a dog faint.

While hot chicks in tight jeans are nice to look at, they smell worse than fermented poo, which is why it just shouldn't be.

I hope you've enjoyed my shouldn't be short list. Feel free to make your own.

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Revenge of the Aussie

Last Friday, I had the dubious honour of dinner with family friends. Staying with these friends are two lovely young exchange students, one from Venezuela and one from Australia.

Since my Spanish is as good as my Martian, I elected not to pick on the girl from Venezuala. She might weigh 100 lbs, but I have a feeling she'd be able to Judo my ass into next week. Instead, I asked another Aussie, Miss Milk, about things that I shouldn't (should, hehehe) say to Australians. Miss Milk was nice enough to dedicate an entire blog to it, which you can read here.

Spazoid: So, Miss Aussie, I know someone who's an Australian and...
Miss Aussie rolls eyes
Spazoid: Anyways, she said that there's a word that
Miss Aussie pulls out a dagger
Spazoid: ...that might mean
Miss Aussie pulls back her jacket to reveal fully loaded .45
Spazoid: something different to you than it does to us.
Miss Aussie: What's that?
Spazoid: Fanny pack?
Miss Aussie: Never heard of it.

Thanks Miss Milk!

So instead I did a horrible impression of the crocodile hunter and she told me I sounded British. Figures.

I thought it was over. Miss Aussie had other plans. Later on in the evening, she went to her room and brought back something called vegemite. I've heard of it before, but only in passing. Apparently, vegemite is an Australian staple, something like peanut butter is here.

Let me assure you folks, it was NOTHING like peanut butter. NOTHING. Have a look:

We have something similar here in Canada. It's called AXLE GREASE. That's about the colour and consistency of this stuff. It also smells like death.

The Australians spread it thinly over large hunks of bread and pile cheese on top of it to hide the god aweful smell and flavour of this stuff. I didn't know that. All I remember is Miss Aussie handing me a small spoonful of it to try.

Being the guy I am, I shoved it in my mouth. I went through three different stages of reactions as three separate tastes bombarded my mouth.

Stage one: Salt.
Stage two: The taste of deathStage three: The aftertaste that wants to party past closing time.
After a gallon of water and the iron will not to projectile vomit the contents of my dinner all over Miss Aussies nice clean white sweater, the taste finally went away. I thought that the vegemite was done with me. I was wrong.

See, vegemite is not food. Vegemite is the result of a yeast culture. That's right people, vegemite is plain, pure, simple, unadulterated micro-organism. Let me tell you, it's one hell of a STRONG micro-organism too. The vegemite goal was control over my small intestine, and they were determined to oust the e.coli that resided there. Unknown to me, the battle raged between two strong opponents, pictured below.

The battlefield was my small intestine. As with any war, there was collateral damage to the war field.

When I woke up the next morning, my sphincter was on FIRE! I thought it was because of the unusually large and rich meal I had the night before. I ran to the bathroom and several kilos of raging hot lava erupted into the porcelain bowl, registering somewhere between a fat peoples Pilate's class and Godzilla on the Richter scale.

I thought it was over. The vegemite had other ideas.

I had to drive into the big city that day. I'm the best man in a friends wedding, and we were going to get fitted for tuxedo's. I was to meet him at his house by 9 am. The drive was about an hours long, and half way through my gut started to gurgle.

Gurgle gurgle gurgle. And my foot pressed the accelerator. The speedometer read 110.

Gurgle gurgle gurgle. 115.

Gurgle gurgle. 120.

I got to his house a full half hour earlier than was expected.

Spazoid: Rings doorbell.
Nothing.
Spazoid: Rings door bell again.
Nothing.
Spazoid: Frantically pounds on the door.
Friends finance: You're early! We're still sleeping! Come back later!
Spazoid: Pounding on the door hard enough to make the brick walls buckle
Friend: Opens door... Hey Buddy! Glad you could....
Spazoid: NO TIME!
Friend: Nodding knowingly I'll go get the Lysol air spray. Tp's under the sink.

In the end, the battle raged until Monday. The vegemites put up a fierce battle, but one of their own, a disgruntled traitor that was tired of tasting like death, showed my army of E.Coli another path through the spleen. In the end, the mighty vegemite was defeated, but not before costing me $83.00 in toilet paper.

The moral of the story? If you annoy a teenaged Australian girl, don't accept any food from her.

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I think I threw up a little in my mouth.

As we go threw life, we encounter many, many things that really, really gross us out. I would like to share with you all one such instance.

It was about ten years ago, and I was sharing a place with a couple of other people. One of them was in my program in college, named R. He had a girlfriend, name E. E was over six feet tall, really big boned, and as quiet as a howler monkey. With her size and graces, and thirty or forty pounds of nappy brown hair, she was as close to a female wookie as you can get. As a matter of fact, I happen to have her family photo to share with you all. That's her, front row center.Both of them were really gross people. R had a skin tag on his side the size of a Volkswagon, and she often announced how she liked to chew on it during sex. Gross.

One Friday, I was heading out the door to visit my folks for the weekend. I said my goodbyes to R and E, and headed out the door. I got to the end of the road and cursed myself for forgetting to bring the hockeybag full of dirty laundry that I (by I meaning my mom) was going to do over the weekend. I turned around, parked the car, and let myself into the apartment.

I walked up the stairs, and there, straight in front of me, was E, with one leg up on a chair, inserting a giant tampon into her large dank vagina.

When I say large vagina, I mean big. Below, you will find an artists rendition of her fun hole:

And by large tampon (and here I thought they were all one size), she was inserting one of these monstrosities:I screamed.

She screamed.

I screamed.

She screamed and slammed the bedroom door.

I threw up a little and fell onto the floor into convulsions, clawing at my eyes. The horrid horrid image still haunts me to this day. It was easily the grossest thing I've seen, so gross it put me off vagina for MONTHS.

I hope I didn't ruin your lunch.

-Spazoid.

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More fodder for perverted google searches!

Smelly, stinky, disgusting, juicy, squishy, raunchy, ELEPHANT ANAL ORAL!

One of my COW WORKERS saw that and he became excited. This is what happened.

Spazoid: What in the hell are you doing?
COW WORKER: ELEPHANT SEX! DAAAAAAAARRGH! ME WANT ELEPHANT SEX!
Spazoid: Huh?
COW WORKER: I WANT DAT ELEPHANT TO PUT HIS TRUNK IN MY BUM!

Spazoid tries to explain that it's just a funny picture of two paperweights.

COW WORKER: NOOOO! I LIKE BIG THINGS IN MY BUM! DAARGH!
Spazoid: Shhh! Keep your voice down or your mom will come and take you home again!
COW WORKER: i like big things in my bum!
Spazoid: If you forget about it I'll get you an apple juice! Who wants an apple juice!
COW WORKER: NO NO NO NO NO!
COW WORKER: I just made poopie! In my pants!
Spazoid: Ok, how about we call your receptionist to clean you up and get an ice cream? Would you like that?
COW WORKER: DAAAAARGH! ICE KWEEM! DAAARGH!
Spazoid: Oh, Lucy! Clean up on isle one!

Hard to find good management these days, isn't it?

*Note: Told you I was a self indulgent ass, didn't I?

===============

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For all the disgusting google perverts that make it to my site.
My Superpower
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Smurfing

Folks, don't try to kill a Smurf with your bare hand. They make an awful mess. See?


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Completely Random

If nipples get bigger when it's cold, why the HELL does my penis do the opposite?

Further, when it's hot, why don't nipples go concave?

I'm not American, so maybe some of you can help me out. How the HELL does the republican party get so many votes? Texas isn't THAT big.

Why is a promiscuous woman a whore, while a promiscuous man just gets lucky a lot?

Why can my dog take neat clean poos with no or very few dingleberries, while every time I shit I need reams of TP so I don't skid mark my tighty whities? Clearly, dogs are the superior species.

Why can the office smokers crowd around doors, leaving a horrible and lasting stench in the lobby, but complain so violently when I crack one little fart?

Why do women who always wear low cut shirts get mad when you look at their cleavage?

Why do they call it Ovaltine? The can is ROUND. They should call it ROUNDTINE. HA HA HAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA! I fucking hate you, Jerry Sienfeld.

Who on gods green earth made Celine Dion popular? They should be shot. After her.

Rachel Ray and Dr. Phil should join Celine Dion on the Island, just before H-Bomb testing commences.

I can't wait until Katie Holmes baby grows up so we can all guess at who she most resembles. I'm putting $100.00 right now that it'll be ANYBODY but Tom Cruise.

You can light farts. What I don't understand, is why we aren't taking advantage of this? Seriously. There should be cars with a hole in the seat going to the gas tank, and our diets should consist of eggs, beans and all bran, and phasyme and beano should be outlawed. Energy crisis solved.

Pussy farts are SO much funnier than regular farts. No question.

Children annoy me. Fat children really annoy me. I don't know why. Maybe because they don't know what a truffle shuffle is when I ask them to do it?

Do you know why Al Gore wants all Americans to use less energy? It isn't to slow global warming. Its to leave enough energy to heat his giant swimming pool and 10,000 square foot mansion. What a fucking mook.

And on to Canadian Politics. Why is it that the Liberal party of Canada can ensure that over 50% of your gross income goes to taxes, get caught stealing money, ask to raise taxes to "better Canada" at the time of a federal election that the opposition called because of a non confidence vote, and people still vote them into official opposition with so many seats it isn't funny? It this anything like America and their Republicans?

Is it true what they say?

If I get stuck on a deserted Island with nothing on it, I hope its with a bunch of really fat people. That way, I can lash them together and make a raft to float to civilization with.

Why do Catholic church leaders have to wear silly hats? Don't they think they've done enough to hurt their credibility?

It's true what Confucius says. If I fart at the church, I do sit in my own pew.

Thank you for putting up with today's self indulgence.