The "What's your Beef" International

Heard from China: Shiskabob is BEEF on a stick? BEEF?? What kind of weirdo does that?

Heard from Texas: Hey Ya'll, I'm not that hungry tonight. Just give me the 60 ounce T Bone.

Heard from Canada: It ain't the cow that's mad now, you American assholes!

Heard from New Zealand: You slaughtered the what? Yea, that's fine, as long as the lamb is still ok. I'm feeling kind of horny tonight.

Heard from India: Yes, our hospitality is legendary here. Yes, we treat our guests like cattle!

Heard from Ethiopia: I don't care WHAT it is, do you have any more?

Heard from Japan: Just slice it up, wrap it in seaweed and call it red snapper. They'll never know.

Heard from Sweden, Circa 5000 B.C.: And you can even put the horns on your hat, like so.

Heard from Jamaica: What is the matter wit you? You can't get high offa that! Put it down!

Heard from Alabama: We only kill the brown ones.

Heard from Israel: Mordechai, you can eat that. It doesn't have cloven hooves.

Heard from Palestine: Did you hear that? They like cows! Strap a bomb on one and send it in!

Heard from the Polynesian Islands: Hey! Where's the beef!

Spazoid's Politically Incorrect Olympics

The olympics are boring. It's degraded to a bunch of whiny pukes trying to hide their performance enhancing drugs while trying to call things like basket weaving and speed drooling actual competative sports. I have no use for that.

I wish there was a really cool and entertaining olympics that I could enjoy. Well, besides the special olympics. I just can't do any better than a guy with a severe case of downs syndrome doing the 400 meter hurdles filmed in slow motion.

But I can, and will try to be almost as offensive.

Therefore, I would like to start Spazoid's Politically Incorrect Olympics. I'm thinking of the following competitions, and more to be added at a later date.

The Indian Icecapades

This would involve taking people from India that have never seen ice, strapping skates to their feet and send them careening over an olympic sized skating rink. Great fun, but mostly for those of us watching.

The Saharan Breast Stroke

No, you won't find it in a karma sutra book. This involves taking the natives of the Sahara desert and making them swim. Again, great fun, but mostly for those of us watching.

The Devout Muslim Man/Woman foot race

Take one sour, radically religious muslim (must be out of shape), and put him in a foot race against a woman in top physical condition. Ensure a defibulator is nearby.

The Christian Missionary Position.

Evangelical Christians in a ring with African Natives. The first Christian to use the word "Jesus" loses.

Acrophobic Cliff Diving.

This one is self explanatory. Ensure you have lots of patients when spectating this one.

The Ethiopian Buffet

Let a group of starving third worlders loose in the Mandarin. The one who can be most creative in smuggling food to his family wins. Extra points for those who manage not to shoot morbidly obese North Americans in justified anger at the unfairness of the world.

The Orthodox Jew car race.

This one takes place on Saturday. Sure, the winner will believe he's going to hell, but who cares if it wins you a gold medal?

Douchebag teenager 100 meter dash

Ever seen a douchebag teenager with pants that have a crotch down around the knees try to run? No? You're in for an extra special treat.

The Nerd Toss

The football team vs. the chess team. One sided action of fun!

Ineffective Parenting.

Those parents who let their little turds run amok (most of them nowadays), are tied up in the corner and forced to watch their kids receive the discipline they so desperately need and don't get. This includes spankings. Society is the real winner here.

The Popes Wardrobe.

The person who shows up in the silliest outfit wins. Bonus points for hats more than 6 feet in height.

Annoying Twit Event

Competitors will go face to face with Rachel Ray. Those who are deemed to be more annoying than her win win win!

If anybody found the above events entertaining, you're going to hell. I'll see you there.

I'm back - preliminary report on Americans

I'm back. And I'm also back at work. Bummer.

The dog was very glad to see me after more than a week, but she's also female, and like any female, she holds quite the grudge.
My impression of the average American was generally pretty positive.

I found most Americans to be quite slim:

Very intelligent:

From good breeding stock.

And right good looking:

I also managed to get an audience with George Bush while I was in Washington.

Stay tuned for my trip to the air and space museum and my visit to the local ethnic grocery store!

-Spazoid Out.

For C-Rag, a pregnancy offensive.

Update July 10/08 - The wiener of my name that fish contest, Miss Milk, has my guest post up. Everybody go visit her and read the post!


Inspired by Cunties most recent post. We love you, Cuntie!

...And the Wiener is!

Thank you for playing my name that fish contest. All twelve of you. I'm so popular! No matter, what I lack in quantity I more than make up for in quality.

And now, the moment you all have been waiting for.......... The wiener!

Miss Milk's suggestion of Ziggy Stardust got an astounding 33.333333333333% of the votes! Good job. As winner, you can pick one of the following
1.I do a guest post for you.
2.You do a guest post for me.
3.Nothing
4.Something else entirely.

Take your time. You may flip flop and dither and hmmm and hawwww, but that's your prerogative as a teenage girl. Don't worry, I won't hold it against you; unless of course you ask me to.

Moving on!

I don't have much for you all today. I'm the best man in a wedding that's happening this weekend, and some of my best manly duties will be carting around enough ice to sink the titanic, and co-ordinating the food with some guy named Jared.

So I'll leave you with the following offensive. Enjoy, and have a good weekend!

Can I see your Burgina?

When I was a youngster, sometime in the 20's, the school boards decided to introduce sex ed.

Ok, so It was introduced before me and I had it in 1990 when I was in grade 6 but still, It was a long time ago.

Anyways, people were a little more.... tight back then. And the sex education class wasn't as nearly as evolved as it is today. As such, the class was short, to the point, and left all the kids more confused than when they went in. Below is the teachings of that class.

MEN HAVE A PEANUTS AND WOMAN HAVE A BURGINA.

That's important information, because I'm about to tell you about my first sexual encounter.

You see, I was in grade seven, and was dating a girl named T. I was dating her by proxy; she wanted my friend G but G wanted nothing to do with her. So I said "How about me?" and we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Dating was so much simpler back then.

We were both very young. She didn't even have boobs yet. Hell, none of the girls had boobs yet, unlike nowadays when you can go to Wal*Mart and purchase special training bra's for toddlers. Yes, it's ridiculous. There's a school three houses down from me and from the distance I mistook the grade eight graduation for a parade of strippers. Nuff said.

Anyways, T and I were alone, in a house, no parents around. We were fooling around and I asked if I could see her burgina. She dropped her pants. Huh, interesting. She asked if she could see my peanuts. So I dropped my pants. Huh, interesting. She then asked if she could touch my peanuts.

Folks, I'm sure you all know that peanuts, as in the nut, come in a shell and you all know what you have to do to get them out.

The loving fondle I was looking for was more like a SMASH!

And the resulting lawsuit had the school revise it's policy on sex ed to be way less stuffy.

My pain is your children's gain.

Your welcome.

============

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Canadiana
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Leader of North Korea

The leader of North Korea, as a little boy:

'Nuff Said

==================

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I think I saw Osama Bin Laden

I think I saw Osama Bin Laden today.

Seriously, I think I did.

I was driving towards one of the community centres I take care of for work today, and there was a guy approaching me in a crappy little car coming the other direction. He saw me and my car, and pulled over. He was staring at me with a truly terrified look on his face.

And he was the spitting image of Osama Bin Laden.

It didn't register with me until a minute later. I mean, this is Canada, and we have a deep integration of all people of the world in all colours. It's not unusual to see someone of middle eastern descent around here, even in white man hicks land where I live.

This is why I think it was Osama.
1. It looked EXACTLY like him (given, I have trouble differentiating most older middle eastern men with turbans and big beards)
2. He was in Onondaga. If a middle eastern man was to rid himself of a turban and shave his beard, he'd blend in very nicely with the Native Americans on the reserve nearby. He'd look just like an aboriginal man from a distance. Maybe he just hadn't had a chance to shave his beard yet?
3. The fear on his face when he saw me. This one was obvious; thinking about it, I looked like a secret service agent. I was driving a HUGE north American made car, I just had my hair cut so it was short, boxy and officious looking, and I was wearing incredibly dark sunglasses.

Which is why no one has found him in the caves of Afghanistan, he's here in butt fuck nowhere Ontario!

If I see him again, I'll turn him in; but no doubt he's halfway to Kingston by now. Nobody should recognize him there, eh?

Since I've already offended the Muslims, I might as well offend another group of people too. Maybe the two giant angry mobs will kill each other outside my house on their way; each wanting the chance to kill me.

Several years ago, me and my buddy T was sitting in his car, eating some burritos or something. Or maybe it was cat shit; Taco bell and catshit taste pretty much the same.

Anyways, a late model black volkswagon drove slowly by, with dark tinted windows and black bling bling rims. There were two black guys in the front seat. T looked at me, pointed at the car, and said:

Camouflage!

I had to remind him that we were two white guys sitting in a white car.

At which point he said:

Camouflage!

For some reason, I find that shit really, really, really funny.

Anyways, if there's somebody I haven't yet offended, please come visit me at the white house, c/o G.W. Bush. Bring it!

Canadiana

Recently, Manitoba Lenny called me up with some good news. He didn't want to tell me over one of the four telephones in Canada, so we agreed to meet at Canada's coffee shack.

Spazoid: Hi Manitoba Lenny, how is it going?
Lenny: Good. Guess what happened to Alberta Steve!
Spazoid: What?
Lenny: He finally had a son!
Spazoid: That's great!
Lenny: Yea, him and his wife, Yukon Susan, have been trying for years.
Spazoid: What's he going to name him?
Lenny: Steve, after him!
Spazoid: That moron!
Lenny: What?
Spazoid: How the hell are we going to differentiate between them if there are TWO Alberta Steves!
Lenny: Oh.

But I don't want you to think Canada is full of idiots. To redeem us, I'd like to make tribute to some of our most intelligent and influential Canadians.

British Columbia Bart, Canada's Quantum Physicist:

PEI Paddy, Chief of Police:

Manitoba Marty, Investigative Reporter:

Saskatchewan Sandy, Molecular Biologist:

Ontario Orville, Artist and Philosopher:
Quebec Randy, Weapons Specialist and Head of the Peacemakers Corps:

And finally, one of our most famous and influential Canadians, Celine Dion:



I hope seeing some of our most intelligent and famous people will help help with the stereotype that Canada is backwards and it's people are idiots.

May Zeus bless Canada.

============

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plumbERbutt(tm)

Are you a new plumber? Just finishing your apprenticeship, and striking out on your own? If you are, you're probably wondering what it takes to be a sucessful plumber. Training, expertise, hard work, experience? The answer to all of those is yes, of course you need them. But there's one thing that plumbers are known for, one thing that defines a plumber and gives the public the perception he's good.

That one thing is plumbers butt.

To be perceived as a real plumber, you need ass cleavage sticking out of the back of your jeans. Without a plumbers butt, you are likely to be passed over job after job, no matter how good you really are.

Before you go gorging your face with jelly doughnuts, red meat and beer, I strongly urge you to consider the fabulous new product, plumbERbutt(tm). PlumbERbutt(tm) is a revolutionary prostetic that you apply to your backside that ensures that all important plumber butt cleavage. This product is available in many skin tones to match your own, and it's so real looking you'd have to be a scientist to tell the difference!

But don't take my word for it, just hear what some of our satisfied customers have to say!


Before plumbERbutt(tm), I was never called back for repeat business. With plumbERbutt(tm), I've built up a base of loyal customers who intentionally break their plumbing to get me back!

-Joe Magiola
New York

Digging the pencils out of my plumbERbutt(tm) is well worth the 300% increase in business!

-Dwayne Chetely
Ohio

Not only did business pick up to the tune of a 240% increase last year alone, my wife has NEVER found me so attractive! Thank you plumbERbutt(tm)!

-James Bichoni
Rhode Island

Don't be left behind! Order plumbERbutt(tm) today, and get a second one for 50%! Order now!

=======
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The Holy Goat

My readers may know by now my stance on religion. My personal stance. That stance is it's old fashioned, silly, and the stylized rituals are best left for man's primitive past.

My stance was affirmed yet again this weekend.

You see, I went to a catholic mass.

It was my friends daughters first communion. He's almost as atheist as I, but his wife and his wifes best friend ensure that the children are fully and properly indoctrinated. As such, both are catholic, not that they know - or care what that means.

I entered the church with quiet reservation. It was just plain weird. People were milling about, admiring the dead people and weird looking statues of some lady hanging on the walls. I had anticipated the church air burning my heathen lungs, and the holy water burning my heathen fingers. That didn't happen, but I texted my friend that it was horribly painful anyways. And we laughed!

So, I learned a few things. Firstly, I learned that catholics are cannibals. The first communion is where you eat the body of Christ. I would have thought he'd be kind of gamy and rotted by now, and his remains would have long since been picked over by the millions of catholics eating him over the last 2000 years. I was wrong.

Secondly, I learned all about the fodder, the sun, and the holy goat.

I may have gotten that wrong. The priest was Italian and had a thick accent. But that's what I heard. The fodder, the sun, and the holy goat.

The holy goat is what scared me the most. The priest started talking about opening yourself, and letting the holy goat fill you up. Letting a holy goat fill me up. Yet another reason for my atheism. That particular orifice is exit only, besides which, I'm not into animals that way of ANY gender. Gross!

The priest went on forever and ever. Well, it was just over an hour, but it seemed like just over a year. He was a very confused man, asking us to stand, sit, stand, sit, kneel, stand, sit, kneel, stand, sit, and then finally stand. I guess having a severe case of ADD is a prerequisite to being a priest?

As the mass went on (and on, and on) one thing became abundantly clear to me. There is a very fine line between a religion and a cult. I made the realization that religion is a cult, with the difference of a propensity for killing others, not themselves. Although at one point in the service I half expected them to bring out some killer kool aid. The priest would say something, and the ENTIRE congragation would say something else, completely in unison, and in a subdued monotone. The whole congregation was trained like Pavlov's dog. Except the bell wasn't a bell, it was some old guy wearing robes and a silly hat.

About halfway through my buddy tapped me on the shoulder, and pointed to his watch. Yes, I was feeling the same thing. I said to him, in what I thought was a hushed tone, "Why can't they just throw these kids some Jesus chunks so we can go home?" It was then that one of the ladies in the pew in front of us turned around and gave me the look of death.

When I say turned around, her body stayed pointing towards the front, but her head swiveled a full 180 a la the exorcist to bestow upon me the evil eye of catholicism. Fortunately, she stopped short of blowing green goo onto my freshly purchased polo shirt, and her head swiveled back to face front, completing the mind boggling 360.

It was then I realized I had perhaps made my last, fatal mistake. I should have known better. I should have known that deeply religious people aren't particularly rational, and do things like fly airplanes into buildings and blow up offices full of live people to protest death. I was in a room full of people who could probably easily be riled up into doing a little atheist bashing.

I looked around the room for exits. I was right in the middle of the deal. There were catholics everywhere. I prepped my bum for a fart, because I heard if you fart in church you'd sit in your own pew. That would at least buy me some space and some much needed time.

Fortunately, the frenzied beating that would have been my death never came, even though I made a few additional insensitive and ill timed comments. The priest finished the service, and only slapped the alter boy on the bum once. My little niece (she calls me Uncle Mike because I've known her since she was in her daddies balls) looked darling in her frilly white dress and coiffed hair set with a shiny tiara. She finally got to eat her Jesus chunk, and we finally got to leave that horrible, boring place.

What followed was a lovely party at my friends home, complete with a Christ cake.

I guess catholics like eating their lord and savior wherever they can. It sure beats being violated by a worshiped goat, I guess.

In the end, it was well worth the hour of torture. After mass, when my little niece realized I was there, ran up to me and gave me a big hug. After I let her go, she reached up for another. The decision was made right then and there, that I would easily brave the hour of boring, religious terror for her, and her brother, any time and forever.

==========

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Woody Carpet

I took the day off yesterday to help my old man move into a new office building. The old building was scheduled for demolition to make way for something newer, nicer, bigger, and even more useless.

The new office building, actually an old house, is only 90 years old as compared to the 150 year old building they came from. He's still with the same crew of lawyers, lawyers assistants, and secretaries.

What I'm trying to say is that as an accountant, he's the least scummy professional in the building. Not by much, but all the lawyers look to him for moral advice. And then do the opposite.

The first thing we did was lay down a carpet over the hardwood floor that my old man had purchased earlier in the week. Just as we finished laying the carpet, one of the lawyers assistants walked in, cleaner in one hand, rag in the other. This is the following conversation that took place.

Assistant: Oh! Your carpet doesn't cover all of your wood!
Old Man: Yea, I had it trimmed. Do you think it looks good?
Assistant: Oh, it looks great!
Assistant: And the wood looks really good too. It's in really great shape for being so old.
Old Man: Yea, if lay down some nice wood you have to keep it in good shape.
Assistant: Would you like me to polish the wood sticking out of the carpet?
Old Man: Yes, please. That would be great.

I was doing my very, very best not to laugh or snicker listening to this conversation. Does that make me a bad person?

=======

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The story of passover told by a Jewish Atheist Asshole

Disclaimer: If you are hyper religious and/or easily offended by religious parody, don't read any further. Seriously. Fuck off and don't come back, ok? You've been warned.

Forthwith, the word 'gawd' will be used to denote the Abrahamic invisible magical sky faerie no one living has ever seen or spoken to.

Once, a long long time ago, in the great land of Egypt, a Pharaoh sat on his throne, completely enamored by his kingdom and his status of god.
Pharaoh: Subjects! Build me a great pyramid so that I have somewhere to go when I kick the bucket! And make it really, really big, cuz I'm god, didn't you know.
Subject: Certainly sir! It'll take fifty years, but we'll get er done!
Pharaoh: Dude, I ain't gonna make it no fifty years. Get some slaves. That'll make it go quick.
Subject: Ok, I'll round up some big strong Africans.
Pharaoh: NO! Are you whacked? There's lots of them, and they can kick our asses. Also, I hear they hold a grudge for a really, really long time. Go round up those Jews. They're not strong or good at sports, but there's lots of them. And they're easy to control, just takes a whip.

And so the Jews were rounded up. Gawd looked down at the plight of his chosen people. He could have stopped it there and then, before it got bad and his people suffered, but they were getting pretty damned whiny and he thought they could use a bit of humility. Also, Gawd is an asshole.

Every single Jew on the entire continent now lived in Egypt, except for the Jewish American Princess's. They annoyed the crap out of Pharaoh so he had them sent to New York City.

The Jews toiled and slaved. This went on for generations. The Jews prayed to their gawd, but he was too busy playing pocket pool over an issue of hustler to pay any attention.

One day a Jewish woman shat a kid. It was a boy, and she didn't want it to be taken away to slavery. So she built a little boat and floated him down the river, praying to gawd to save this little boy from the certain death his mother had set upon him. And did gawd scratch his nuts and fart!

An Egyptian woman found moses and took him as her own. Moses grew up as a spoiled Egyptian kid.

One day as moses was smoking some dope, a bush lit itself on fire and started talking to him. Moses figured it was the dope, but gawd set him straight.

Gawd: Moses, I fucked up. The Jews are the chosen people.
Moses: Yea I know! We chose them to build our shit!
Gawd: You moron. You're a Jew. Your mom floated you down the river and your Egyptian mom found you. I need you to march into Pharaoh's palace and tell him to let your people go.
Moses: Screw you asswipe! Just for that, I'm going to whip the Jews even harder!
Gawd: Then I shall give you a tiny five inch penis! SHAZAM!

And moses saw that his penis had shrunk to investment banker size. And he screamed.

Gawd: Now go do my bidding and I'll give you your junk back!

So did moses march into Pharaoh's palace and demand his people be let free. And so did Pharaoh laugh. Moses went back to the burning bush (after smoking another few doobies).

Gawd: What did pharaoh say?
Moses: aren't' you like omnipotent or something? Shouldn't you know?
Gawd: Yea, but the people that'll be reading the book for the next few thousand years won't be particularly literate for the most part. Also, the people writing it will be even less so. We'll have to use poor metaphors and explain everything so they don't get frustrated and go bang some sheep.
Moses: K. He told me to go screw myself, but before I did that I'm to report to slavery tomorrow. You asshole! At least give me back my giant schlong! I'm tired of this schlittle!
Gawd: Whatever you whiny little pervert. Go tell pharaoh to let the Jews go OR ELSE.
Moses: Or else what?
Gawd: YEA!
Moses: ooooo k.

So did Moses go back to Pharaoh's palace.

Moses: Let my people go! Or else!
Pharaoh: Or else what?
Moses: YEA!
Pharaoh: Don't you have a pyramid to build?

And so gawd devised a plan for what else. He'd set some plagues about. First, he made the water turn into blood. Ok, so it wasn't blood, it was just cherry Kool aid dumped in the Nile. And the Egyptians cursed, for he hadn't put enough sugar in. Kool aid without sugar sucks.

Then gawd sent a bunch of frogs. And the Egyptians ate French! Yummy.

Then he sent Gnats. But there were still a bunch of frogs from the last plague and they ate them all. DOH!

Fine, I'll just send flies then! And the frogs ate the flies too. DUH!

Then gawd diseased the livestock. So the Egyptians ate MORE frogs! Yummy!

Then came boils, hail, and locusts.

Pharaoh: Head builder dood. How's my pyramid coming?
Builder: Pretty much done sir. We just need to install the cappuccino maker.
Pharaoh: Do we need Jews for that?
Builder: Nah, Nadine down in reception said she'd do it, and make us coffee's too!
Pharaoh: Ok, let all the Jews go then, the last three plagues have gotten a tad annoying.
Gawd: SCREW YOU JERK! I worked long and hard on those plagues, and I'll be damned if I don't get to unleash my last one! I'm going to harden your heart!
Pharaoh: UGH! Ummm... ARGH! I NEED A SUN ROOM! KEEP ALL THE JEWS!

So the angel of death passed by and killed every one of the first born Egyptians in a completely unnecessary orgy of blood and torture. Gawd stroked his mullet and opened a beer, and was pleased.

Moses gathered up the Jews, and headed off into the sunset. Not known to them, a contingent of Egyptian soldiers was coming after them. The Jews were stopped by the red sea. Moses turned around and saw the Egyptian soldiers in the distance. There were probably about a dozen of them, because you know, Gawd just killed the bulk of the young Egyptians.

Moses: What are we going to do! There's ten or twelve Egyptians and only 5,000 of us! Argh!
Gawd: Fine, you whiny little turd. I'll part the sea for you.

And Gawd farted, and the sea parted.

Moses: Everybody across!
Jew #1: But I'll get my feet wet!
Jew #2: Won't my hair get frizzy from the moisture?
Jew #3: I'm slightly allergic to shellfish! What If I step on a shrimp and get a tiny rash?
Jew #4: Oiy! Can somebody carry me? I'm tired!

And Moses asked Gawd if he really wanted to save the Jews. Gawd told him to shut up and made his penis an inch shorter. And Moses wailed!

So the Jews ran across the read sea. The Egyptians were about 20 feet in when Gawd made the waters come back. And the Egyptians got their feet wet. The red sea is really shallow. Defeated, the Egyptians returned to the bank to dry off their feet.

The Jews started walking in the desert. They got really thirsty. Moses, needing to make up for his now minuscule penis, started beating on a rock and telling it to give him water. Gawd make the rock spew forth water, to shut Moses up before he hurt himself.

The Jews wandered further, and got hungry. Gawd gave them mana from the heavens to snack on. Of course, the Jews were delirious from heat stroke and didn't realize they were actually eating camel patties. So much the better.

The Jews wandered for years and years. Forty years to be exact. It would have taken them a few months had the gotten directions, but Moses wasn't about to take directions from a goy!

Finally, they found their promised land. Bordering their lands were the Muslims, whom they thought were wonderfully nice people to be neighbors with. They couldn't wait to have block parties! It was going to be fun.

Moses: Yay! Our promised land! I can't wait!
Gawd: Did I forget to mention? You're old now. ZZZAPP!

And did Moses have a brain aneurysm and die.

So every year we celebrate how our all powerful Gawd that no one alive has ever spoken to neglected to prevent us from terrible tragedy, but let us go through generations of torture. We celebrate how our omnipotent all powerful leader lead us free of slavery by committing gruesome tortures that could have been prevented by not "hardening" a pharaoh's heart. We celebrate gawd choosing to let us wander in a horrid desert for forty years! We celebrate a story that's probably not true, in a book full of fairy tales.

I'm not complaining though, my mom cooks a great feast!

On with the food!

===========

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Those Homosexuals

I'm a living contradiction. Even though I'm quite the insensitive jerk, I'm also all about tolerance.

I have tolerance for homosexuals just as I have tolerance for people that have different beliefs than I do, because being different is what living on this planet is all about. I even tolerate those idiotic asshats (I'm looking at you, fundamentalist religious zealots) who hate me because I'm not like them. And that makes me better than them! Whoohoo I'm better than somebody!

Today though, I'm talking about homosexuals. My stance on homosexuality is the same as my stance on heterosexuality (of which I'm a member), bi sexuality, animal humping and impaling yourself on various objects or parts while wearing leathers and cutting yourself with rusty mopeds. I want those of you who are intolerant asshats to listen closely (I'm looking at you, fundamentalist religious zealots).

WHAT HAPPENS BEHIND CLOSED DOORS BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS IS THEIR BUSINESS, AND THEIR BUSINESS ONLY.

Got that? Good.

Because what I'm about to say next doesn't sound particularly tolerant at all, but it's the way I feel!

Guys doing guys are gross. Really. I think about myself doing a guy and I gag. And listen here, guys, you have ALL thought about it. You cannot make a decision on your stance without thinking about it. As a matter of fact, you have to think about it just to say that you think it's gross! So chew on that.

On that subject, I've prepared some diagrams on the proper use of male body parts.
Now that we understand what the acceptable entry device is, and the uses for the rest of the male anatomy, let's look at the use of the entry device within the female anatomy.
I hope I've been clear.

Now, let's move on to my stance on lesbians.

Yummy! Would anyone else like to be the meat in that sandwich as much as I would? Well, yes, just every single one of my heterosexual male readers!

Butt (hehe) really. This is my tribute to homosexuals everywhere!


==========

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What the HELL is THAT?

Today, I used a communal digital camera to take some pictures. When downloading those pictures, I saw whoever had used the camera before me had taken some pictures of some UGLY people in some UGLY poses.

I'll admit, I'm in a mood today. And not a nice one. I'll probably regret this later, you know, in 50 years when I'm shitting myself in a nursing home, but my gentle readers are in for an extra special treat.

Today, I went to google images and searched for UGLY PEOPLE!

Here are some of the Gems I found. Let's take a look shall we?

The Alien.
Chick magnet is right! Is it just me, or did Dumbo the flying elephant have a love child with E.T? I don't think I have any words to describe the sexiness that is this alien bastard child. Guys, if you're feeling nasty, have a look at this picture. You'll feel better.

Snake Boy
Shhh! Look at this folks! It's the native Australian snake boy in his natural habitat! Isn't he a beaut! I snapped this photo just before he was going to inject his prey, a corn dog, with venom and wait until it died so he could unhinge his jaws even further to swallow it whole! Boy, I wouldn't want to cross paths with this menacing creature!

Hungry Hungry Hippos!God forbid you should be the object of these ladies lust. It seems we have a combination of things: A sexual lust, the inability to chew or gauge the amount of food eaten, and a complete and total lack of shame. They do come in handy when filling an olympic sized pool when you're low on water. Simply lower these four into the hole and pour in a small bottle of spring water. Tada! Full pool!

"I think I just threw up a little in my mouth"Is it a man? Is it a woman? In any case, it's FUGLY!

Gone Overboard

When is enough, enough? Some people don't really understand the concept of moderation. In any event, this douche's worst enemy is magnets - and job interviews.

The reason:

'Nuff Said.

========

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Unidentified Flying Anus

The other night, I was watching a show on the Space channel. It was all about people who claim to have been abducted by Aliens. The stories were amazingly consistent - because there were only four people interviewed (I'm sure the show edited out all the inconsistencies for better ratings). One of the things that the abductees claimed the aliens did was all sorts of probing, including ANAL probing.

What, exactly, can you learn from anal probing?

This is why I'm convinced that if this is true, it's a giant, interstellar practical joke that one species of aliens are playing on another.

Here's how I think it would go.

Alien #1 - Kaptardj, I just snatched another batch. Get the lower orifice probe ready, would you?
Alien #2 - Snardikjas, I don't know. We've been probing the lower orifice of these humans for years now, and all we've found is some stinky brown stuff - EVERY TIME.
Alien #1 - I know it seems like a lot of work, but the Chartulans from the Omacron Gamma system tell us that one in every 2 million humans produces dark matter from it's lower orifice. Can you imagine! A renewable source of fuel for our ship, all for free!
Alien #2 - Praise Jesus!
Alien #1 - What the heck is a Jesus?
Alien #2 - I'm not sure. I was probing a female human, and she gave me this pamphlet and started talking about some sort of Jesus fellow. She told me she was something called a 'Jehova's Witness".
Alien #1 - And then what happened?
Alien #2 - She told me to probe deeper, harder and faster.
Alien #1 - Hmmm, I see. Well anyways, lets get to work. We've only probed 1 million humans thus far, but we're getting close, I can taste it!
Alien #2 - On it, boss!
Alien #1 - Kaptardj, the LOWER orifice, you retard!
Alien #2 - *POP!*, sorry boss!

According to these abductees, one of the things that the aliens were trying to do was to make a human/alien cross breed. For some reason, the aliens told them once perfected, they were going to introduce them into the human population for some reason. They are described as tiny little things with huge, bulbous heads. You know what? I think they are here already! Have a look!

============

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Bathroom Etiquette

Etiquette is a human condition caused by societal morals. There are proper etiquettes that are universal among humans, such as respecting someones space, and there are local etiquettes, such as which hand to take change with.

Today, I'd like to talk about bathroom etiquette.

In the Men's Room

Hopefully, the ladies will learn something valuable, and those pushy, immoral men will too. For the ladies, men's room have these things called urinals. It's kind of like a porcelain shelf in the wall that men pee into. Think of a vase with a drain, right?

Proper etiquette means that as men, you must choose the correct urinal. If there are three urinals and all are empty, you must choose one to the extreme left, or extreme right, whichever one is closest to the door. If you choose the one farthest away from the door, that might mean that you enjoy being in a room with naked penis's expelling waste, which no man wants on his conscience.

Also, you can NOT take one in the middle. This will force another man who is coming into the bathroom to take a urinal right beside you. This is considered gay. Even if you are gay, it's in poor taste. Even if he is also gay, he might have a lover. See how this works?

For those going into the bathroom, never, ever take a urinal beside one thats occupied if you can possibly help it. If there are five urinals and urinals #2 and #4 are empty, use a stall. You may ONLY use a urinal directly beside an occupied urinal if all the stalls are taken as well. This is not considered gay, because you have no other choice in the matter.

Using more than a nod or a grunt to awknoledge another urinal users presence will be considered gay. The only exception to this is if you know the guy, but you still can't look at him. Look straight ahead, at the wall, at all times. If you try to look anywhere else, it'll be considered trying to look at a naked man wiggly and that's just gay.

In the Ladies Room

Honestly, I don't have a frigging clue what kind of etiquette goes on in a ladies room. I do know that ladies never go alone. They go with their friend, or in herds. If men did that, that would be considered gay and in bad taste. Anything that might make a man be considered gay in bad taste. It's not correct, it's not rational, but that's what makes men, men. I digress.

I imagine that women cannot go pee alone in a public rest room because it takes more than one woman to perform the necessary bodily function. I can very easily imagine women being germaphobes and not wanting to touch the toilet bowl with any part of their anatomy. That's fair enough, I guess. How do I think this is done, you ask? I'll tell you.

It takes three woman to perform this task. The woman needing to use the toilet attaches strings to her skirt. She then throws them over the side of the stall, where the skirt lifter is waiting. The skirt lifter tugs on the strings, exposing the womans buttocks and poon tang so she doesn't get anything wet. Then, she extends her arms and her friend, the spotter, takes hold. They go toe to toe, and the spotter slowly lowers the girl so that her bum is just hovering over the toilet, but not touching it. The woman does her business, the spotter lifts her up, and the skirt lifter lowers the skirt. This process is repeated until all women have evacuated themselves.

This also explains why it takes women so damned long to use the restroom.

Others

You might be saying, "but spazoid, there is no other restrooms other than ladies and mens!" You'd be right in telling me that. But in todays society of loosely defined genders, there should be.

Take transvestites for example. There are many different kinds. Pre-Op, Post-Op, men that are almost ladies, and yes, ladies that are almost men. What room should they use, and what sort of etiquette should apply?

Spazoid is normally a rather tolerant man, so he will say this: If you have a penis, but you look like a lady, use a bush outside you freak.

You ladies can deal with the rest of them. Or until you explain to me the rules of ladies bathroom etiquette.
==============

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The commandments of SpazoGod!

My very funny friend, Mental Poo, thought it would be a neat idea to come up with his own, personalized brand of the ten commandments. He only came up with five, before deferring to a higher authority, his wife.

But before he gave the reigns to his boss, he set out an offer to let us lowly peons pretend like we're god and come up with our own ten commandments. Since there is no Mrs. Spazoid to defer to, I'll be coming up with all TEN of my commandments myself! Some will be serious, and some will not be serious. If you can't tell which ones are serious and which ones aren't, then you need to pay attention to my first commandment:

1.Thou shalt recognize ones own stupidity!
That's right. Understand that most of today's population are gibbering retards. I attribute that half to herd mentality, and half to thinking yourselves utter geniuses. Guess what? You're not a braniac. Neither am I. Do you understand what a median is? An average? No? Then look it up. When you think you're smart, you don't bother to listen to anyone else's point of view because you're already convinced of your own superiority. True genius is few and far between, and so is true stupidity. So wake up, sit up straight, pay attention, keep an open mind, and weight things out in your head with ration and logic. Most importantly, you don't know everything. Remember that. Also remember that you can find out, or ask somebody else. Pretending you do know it all makes you STUPID!
2. Thou females have Boobies! Thou shalt show them off!
Ladies, your breasts are pretty and special. Don't hide them behind baggy sweaters! If you are younger than 40, you shall wear push up bra's and low cut tops. Your other option is to not wear shirts or bras at all. If you have ugly boobs, such as ones that hang around your knees from years of use and abuse, I shall use my magic god powers to tone and lift so you may show them off to your hearts content.

3.When thou sees and advanced green, thou shalt immediately push hard on the accelerator
Listen fucktards. In an advanced green light, four or five cars should be able to get through. Why is it that there's always a tard in front that doesn't notice for five seconds, then makes the turn like he's got a bomb strapped to the tank that'll go off if he exceeds my grandmothers walking pace? If you do NOT get on the frigging gas, SpazoGod will give you an case of herpes with a permanent flare up. Got it?

4.Thou Shalt not drive if you're over 70, or an oriental woman
I don't think I have to go into detail on this one. Suffice it to say, SpazoGod will also guarantee these people with a permanent herpes flare up.

5.Thou Shalt understand that ALL religions are moot.
I'm guessing me being god would render all religions moot. You know why? Because I'm GOD and I say so! Really though, there is just as much evidence for Jesus as there is for Zeus. So if you really want to believe in that stuff, fine, but you also have to remember everyone else is just as correct as you are. If you don't want to understand that, fine by me. I'll just give women testicles with perma ball itch and men permanent periods. I guarantee within a month of that constant agonizing torture, you'll smarten the fuck up. That'll also stop a lot of the bullshit violence started by the fundamentalist fanatical religious right, and put an end to much death and torture.

6. Thou shalt cease all religious evangelical missions.
See commandment number five. Remember, all religions are moot, meaning your religion is as correct as every other one. If you actively pursue converting people of other religions, that will be considered badgering and Spazogod will make you 300 lbs overweight with permanent foul body odour. You may accept people into your religion, but only if they seek you out. Meaning, you may make TASTEFUL advertisements. If Spazogod thinks your advertisements are distasteful, such as references to people of other religions going to hell, he'll make you eat the avert. Without any spices.

7. Thou shalt find all poo based humour funny as hell, and never tire of it.
Because Spazogod does.

8. Thy females shall talk to each other only ONE AT A TIME
Girls, you don't understand exactly how annoying you are when you chatter in groups. You are insulted when men cluck like chickens at you! You don't understand just WHAT that's all about! Well, I'm going to tell you. When men talk, one man go's, then shuts up and lets another man talk. This is called "sharing". When women talk, they talk ALL AT FUCKING ONCE. A man cannot then actually differentiate the sounds that are being made as language, and therefor his brain interprets it as chicken clucking. Moreover, it is very loud, grating and annoying. Think of being strapped to a jet airplane doing mach two, and you'll understand what this sounds like to men's ears. To that end, just four women talking sounds like a sold out Spinal Tap concert in the 80's. Women, if you do not take turns in conversing, Spazogod will switch your vagina's with your mouths. Try talking through your jeans! And won't meal time be fun time? Gives a whole new definition to blow job, doesn't it. Don't believe I'll do it? Try me.

9. Thou shalt make farting an Olympic competition.
See commandment seven, but with a twist. Any variation of competitiveness shall be allowed. Who has the stinkiest? Who has the loudest? Who can break glass? How far does the flame travel? ANYTHING GOES!

10. Thou shalt understand the big picture.
Rabid feminists, environmentalist, and your basic narrow sighted whack job WILL start seeing the big picture. You know, why it's bad if the pendulum is pulled too far one way, what equality actually means, and that everybody is capable of racism, stereotyping and persecution, not just white men between the ages of 18-47. The inability to see the big picture, and ignoring the big picture to increase your gross margins is what has and what is killing our species. It's also what's killing society and relationships, because it's one of the fuels that fires misunderstandings, ignorance and violence. So, for anybody that cannot see the big picture, Spazogod will increase your head to be the size of a Buick, with eyes the size of monster truck tires. Your body will remain the same size. I imagine most of the world will end up looking like this, and it will cause reform in no time flat! What's more, Spazogod will get many laughs from seeing your bodies flailing around trying to move your enormous heads. Oh. Your brain will stay the same size, in case you were wondering.

I hope you've enjoyed my little bit of self indulgence, with many thanks to mental poo.

-Spazogod out

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Advice for new parents

I'm not a parent. To a human. But I do have a rational and logical world view, that lets me see things that others sometimes don't.

Recently, I've been thinking about new parents, and how to help them. Maybe it's because my own biological clock is ticking. Well, not my clock, but the longer I stay not married the less likely it'll be I'll snag the right woman of child bearing abilities. Twenty-five year olds only marry eighty year olds for one thing, and it's not for their DNA.

Let's be honest. It's a tough world out there, and it's getting tougher. The cost of living is going up, salaries aren't going up to match it, and we're getting taxed harder and harder by our first world governments desperately clawing to stay that way.

It's not easy making it in this world, and it gets tougher when you have kids. Children are expensive! There's formula and medicines and powders and lotions and burping towels and nipple creams (for the breast feeding mother I think) and pony rides and tickle me whacked out fuzzy crack addicted Sesame Street characters, or whatever it is babies are into.

One of the things that just empty new parents bank accounts like there's no tomorrow is diapers. Walking down the baby aisle at the grocery store, I can see why. The only thing more expensive than a disposable diaper is a liter of gasoline, or possibly bottled water.

There's just no relief in site from diapers. From my limited understanding of parenthood, I'm lead to believe that the average child uses between thirty to forty-seven diapers a day and wears them until the age of twelve.

That is some SERIOUS money! Based on a cost of $0.40 per diaper, at forty-seven per day at 4,380 days (twelve years) that's a cost of $82,344.00. For DIAPERS! I don't know how parents do it, but now I understand all this "parents" allowance nonsense and why my yearly totaled taxes tally to fifty-three percent of my salary.

This is absolutely ridiculous. It's just so financially daunting for parents and draining the economic resources of my country, not to mention filling our landfills to the brim. How's an honest bum to make a living then, when he can't comb through a pile of garbage for treasures when he has to contend with mounds oozing rotten shit laden balls of plastic? It's just not fair!

So, I decided to come up with a solution to the problem. I prepared myself for some serious thinking. I put on some soft music, put on the tea, sat down in my most comfortable chair, and 18 long seconds later I came up with the perfect, most practical solution to this devastating problem.

Free Range Babies.

That's right, free range babies are the solution to the diaper problem. With a free range baby, you don't need diapers at all. I've come up with two types of free range baby, tailored to suit our northern climates.

1. Warm Month Free Range Baby

Warm month free range baby will be implemented during the times of the year when the temperature is above 18 degrees Celsius. The thrust of this program will be to make use of your back, or front yards, so that any waste made by the baby will go directly onto the ground. Once there, it will biodegrade, and return valuable nutrients back to the earth. You may choose to scoop your babies waste, brown bag it and sell it to farmers for fertilizer. Who knows, maybe next time you are enjoying a fresh salad, your baby could have helped grow it!

It's recommended that you build an outdoor pen or long exercise run for your baby. Babies need exercise too. Also, have a sheltered area so that your baby can get out of the rain or other elements if needed. You may also want to provide fresh water in between feedings, especially in the warmer weather. When it's hot and dry, your baby will dehydrate faster, and require more fluids.

2. Cold month free range baby

During the colder months, you would have to clothe your baby, rendering the free range program #1 completely ineffective. With the cold month free range baby program, all you need is a small room in your house and a few dozen bags of kitty litter, preferably the clumping kind. If you don't have an entire room to devote to this program, you can devote part of your basement or even a corner of another room. Just make sure you build an adequate containment birm to prevent baby escape or kitty litter overflow.

The idea being is that you fill this room or section five or six inches deep with the clumping kitty litter. Let your baby live in that area until (s)he is toilet trained. Remember, make SURE you scoop the clumps on a regular basis so your baby isn't rolling in his or her own filth, as it is a potential health hazard.

Also, it's good to take the appropriate steps so your baby does not escape this area. Otherwise, you'll be scrubbing the brown spot off your plush white shag carpeting.

I hope my brilliant idea helped you young parents in some way. Please, do not hesitate to pass this on to anyone you know who is pregnant for the first time, or has young children.

As always, I'm here to help.

-Spazoid