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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I think I saw Osama Bin Laden

I think I saw Osama Bin Laden today.

Seriously, I think I did.

I was driving towards one of the community centres I take care of for work today, and there was a guy approaching me in a crappy little car coming the other direction. He saw me and my car, and pulled over. He was staring at me with a truly terrified look on his face.

And he was the spitting image of Osama Bin Laden.

It didn't register with me until a minute later. I mean, this is Canada, and we have a deep integration of all people of the world in all colours. It's not unusual to see someone of middle eastern descent around here, even in white man hicks land where I live.

This is why I think it was Osama.
1. It looked EXACTLY like him (given, I have trouble differentiating most older middle eastern men with turbans and big beards)
2. He was in Onondaga. If a middle eastern man was to rid himself of a turban and shave his beard, he'd blend in very nicely with the Native Americans on the reserve nearby. He'd look just like an aboriginal man from a distance. Maybe he just hadn't had a chance to shave his beard yet?
3. The fear on his face when he saw me. This one was obvious; thinking about it, I looked like a secret service agent. I was driving a HUGE north American made car, I just had my hair cut so it was short, boxy and officious looking, and I was wearing incredibly dark sunglasses.

Which is why no one has found him in the caves of Afghanistan, he's here in butt fuck nowhere Ontario!

If I see him again, I'll turn him in; but no doubt he's halfway to Kingston by now. Nobody should recognize him there, eh?

Since I've already offended the Muslims, I might as well offend another group of people too. Maybe the two giant angry mobs will kill each other outside my house on their way; each wanting the chance to kill me.

Several years ago, me and my buddy T was sitting in his car, eating some burritos or something. Or maybe it was cat shit; Taco bell and catshit taste pretty much the same.

Anyways, a late model black volkswagon drove slowly by, with dark tinted windows and black bling bling rims. There were two black guys in the front seat. T looked at me, pointed at the car, and said:


I had to remind him that we were two white guys sitting in a white car.

At which point he said:


For some reason, I find that shit really, really, really funny.

Anyways, if there's somebody I haven't yet offended, please come visit me at the white house, c/o G.W. Bush. Bring it!

11 keen observations:

sweets said...

poor guy... yes i actually said that! he must be "recognized" every five minutes by someone else...

he probably bangs his head against the wall every night, mumbling to himself... of all the people i could resemble... why ffs does it have to be osama!!!


AngryMan said...

Thanks for not killing him, turd.

moooooog35 said...

Did Osama have pinkeye?

I'd be running away screaming if he had pinkeye.

A terrorist is one thing...a terrorist with conjunctivitis is another entirely.

Jessica said...

So that's where he's hiding...glad you've cleared that up! :)

Anonymous said...

I once saw Elvis at the local Kmart. Of course, this was in the 80's and he died in 1977, but whatever. It was totally him!

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

You always offend me. That's okay. I still love you. MUAH!

Mike said...

sweets - it probably never occured to him cuz i'm the only guy in my town that's worldy enough to know who osama is

Angryman - you are and angryman, aren't you?

Mooooog - no, he had pink turban. Is that worse?

Jessica - gw bush is on his way now!

mimzie - i don't remember the 80's. Too young.

fashionista - I am to offend!

Meghan said...

It wasn't Osama. It was his stunt double.

Anonymous said...

haha! You let him go???? You did not shoot him? Oh yeah I forgot about the gun laws in Canada!! I hope I spot him in Kentucky!! haha!!


Jo said...

Okay, the camouflage made me choke on my own saliva. That's funny shit.

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