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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I think I saw Osama Bin Laden

I think I saw Osama Bin Laden today.

Seriously, I think I did.

I was driving towards one of the community centres I take care of for work today, and there was a guy approaching me in a crappy little car coming the other direction. He saw me and my car, and pulled over. He was staring at me with a truly terrified look on his face.

And he was the spitting image of Osama Bin Laden.

It didn't register with me until a minute later. I mean, this is Canada, and we have a deep integration of all people of the world in all colours. It's not unusual to see someone of middle eastern descent around here, even in white man hicks land where I live.

This is why I think it was Osama.
1. It looked EXACTLY like him (given, I have trouble differentiating most older middle eastern men with turbans and big beards)
2. He was in Onondaga. If a middle eastern man was to rid himself of a turban and shave his beard, he'd blend in very nicely with the Native Americans on the reserve nearby. He'd look just like an aboriginal man from a distance. Maybe he just hadn't had a chance to shave his beard yet?
3. The fear on his face when he saw me. This one was obvious; thinking about it, I looked like a secret service agent. I was driving a HUGE north American made car, I just had my hair cut so it was short, boxy and officious looking, and I was wearing incredibly dark sunglasses.

Which is why no one has found him in the caves of Afghanistan, he's here in butt fuck nowhere Ontario!

If I see him again, I'll turn him in; but no doubt he's halfway to Kingston by now. Nobody should recognize him there, eh?

Since I've already offended the Muslims, I might as well offend another group of people too. Maybe the two giant angry mobs will kill each other outside my house on their way; each wanting the chance to kill me.

Several years ago, me and my buddy T was sitting in his car, eating some burritos or something. Or maybe it was cat shit; Taco bell and catshit taste pretty much the same.

Anyways, a late model black volkswagon drove slowly by, with dark tinted windows and black bling bling rims. There were two black guys in the front seat. T looked at me, pointed at the car, and said:

Camouflage!

I had to remind him that we were two white guys sitting in a white car.

At which point he said:

Camouflage!

For some reason, I find that shit really, really, really funny.

Anyways, if there's somebody I haven't yet offended, please come visit me at the white house, c/o G.W. Bush. Bring it!


11 keen observations:

sweets said...

poor guy... yes i actually said that! he must be "recognized" every five minutes by someone else...

he probably bangs his head against the wall every night, mumbling to himself... of all the people i could resemble... why ffs does it have to be osama!!!

:)~

AngryMan said...

Thanks for not killing him, turd.

moooooog35 said...

Did Osama have pinkeye?

I'd be running away screaming if he had pinkeye.

A terrorist is one thing...a terrorist with conjunctivitis is another entirely.

Jessica said...

So that's where he's hiding...glad you've cleared that up! :)

Mimzie Beaumont said...

I once saw Elvis at the local Kmart. Of course, this was in the 80's and he died in 1977, but whatever. It was totally him!

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

You always offend me. That's okay. I still love you. MUAH!

Mike said...

sweets - it probably never occured to him cuz i'm the only guy in my town that's worldy enough to know who osama is

Angryman - you are and angryman, aren't you?

Mooooog - no, he had pink turban. Is that worse?

Jessica - gw bush is on his way now!

mimzie - i don't remember the 80's. Too young.

fashionista - I am to offend!

Meghan said...

It wasn't Osama. It was his stunt double.

Cinder-Single said...

haha! You let him go???? You did not shoot him? Oh yeah I forgot about the gun laws in Canada!! I hope I spot him in Kentucky!! haha!!

S.

Jo said...

Okay, the camouflage made me choke on my own saliva. That's funny shit.

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