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Monday, March 10, 2008

A guide to the dangers of Canadian Animals

One of my previous posts, the dating perils of the small town, many people got a bad impression of Canada. All the Americans who read it thought Canada was some sort of benign country where everybody was friendly, hardworking and good to his fellow man. Instead, they learned Canada is a capitalist clusterfuck filled with fat people that have huge, undeserved senses of entitlement. JUST LIKE AMERICA.

But just like America, Canada is full of na
tural beauty and scenic wonder. We have beautiful coastlines, gorgeous inland lakes, rivers and watersheds, and beautiful and relatively undisturbed nature parks and preserves.

Although Canada does not have many animals that are poisonous, we do have our share of dangerous animals that should be treated with respect. For any American wanting to drink in the natural scenic beauty of our Canadian wilds, I am pleased to provide the following guide for their consideration.

First on the list are Black Bears. While they are much smaller than the counterpart you may be more familiar with, the Grizzly, they are also faster, more intelligent and much more malicious. They tend to stay away from humans (due to our horrid overwhelming stench), but every once and a while you'll come across a bear who is attracted to that. If you're wondering why a bear would be attracted to something that smells horrid like us humans, I'll just remind you of the Japanese. The first thing you must understand, is that these bears will consider you another bear, because you're of the same size standing. The second thing is, you're standing. That's bad. When bears stand, it's the first move in a competition for dominance. Since you will never be able to out fight a bear, or out run one, you must show it that you are no threat, and further, that you consider that bear a dominant animal. The appropriate action is to pull your pants down around your ankles, turn around, put your head on the ground and your ass straight up in the air. Failure to do this right away will earn you a mauling. Don't be afraid if the bear sniffs about your ass, that's just his way of ensuring you're not a threat. Finally, if he mounts you, remember, it's not about sex, it's about dominance. Just stay quiet until the bear moves away (he may want to have a cigarette or a nap first).

falls second in the danger scale, behind the black bears. Though they are smaller and mostly nocturnal, should you run into a pack of these aggressive rodents, you are in trouble. Though they don't look particularly lithe, they can run at human sprinting speeds and out jump a kangaroo. If you happen across these animals, they will take you down, and gnaw your limbs off and use them to build a dam. As a side note, should you see a dam of human limbs, go back the way you came as fast as your little legs will carry you.

The only thing that beaver are scared of are black bears. Before going into the wilderness, scout out a local Beaver Lumber store. They carry bear urine, and you should douse yourself liberally in the stuff. That is guaranteed to keep the beaver away. They won't have it on the shelves, you'll have to ask for it at the back. Just make sure you wink at the person behind the counter when asking for it. That's the secret; otherwise they'll think you're American and deny they have it. Beaver Lumber employees don't much like Americans.

Black Flies are huge and numerous, especially in Canada's four week long summer. You can tell they are coming by the high pitched, whiny shrill buzz they emit from their wings. These flying poo covered menaces have only about half of the thinking power of Dubya Bush, so they cannot be reasoned with at all. The only thing that will keep them away is to find something even more shrill and annoying than they are. I recommend keeping a Celine Dion CD and speakers on hand at all times in the bush.

Last, but not least, are the squeegee kids. These animals are the most annoying at all, and nothing short of running them over will get r
id of them. They can be easily identified by noting the smell, that they haven't had a shower in months and their hair has unintentional dreadlocks. Upon stopping at a red light, they will approach your car and attempt to clean it with a dirty, ratty squeegee they stole from a local gas station. They will then hope you don't notice that your windshield is now MORE dirty and beg for money. DO NOT LET THEM SQUEEGEE YOUR WINDOW. They cannot afford water or soap, so the buckets are full of urine, saliva, and sometimes seamen. When you come to a stop light, put your windshield wipers on. That's the universal signal that you don't want your windshield washed. And whatever you do, keep your windows rolled up. If bitten by a squeegee kid, you'll turn into one of them.

I hope the above guide to dangerous Canadian animals helped. If you follow the above suggestions, your stay in Canada will be a happy, memorable time.


If you liked the above, you might also like:

The dating perils of the small town
Why you don't want to live in Canada
To be the Canadian
Those lousy telemarketers!
Small Town Idiot

17 keen observations:

Anonymous said...

Thanks Mike, I don't see Canada in my future now!! First Of All....

1. I have to let a black bear have his way with me, to let him know that I am not there to take over his domain.

2. Then I have to pour black bear urine on me to keep the effin beavers away.

3. Then I have to put on Celine cd to keep the damn flies away, not just any flies, black flies.

4, Then I will have urine used to clean my windows if i don't put wipers on!!!!!!
Shoot i am tired already!

Then I will ask....Where in Sams Hell have you been today???? I missed you!


Meghan said...

Bear, meh.
Flies, meh.
Squeegee kids-detered by pennies thrown on the ground.

But many, MANY a men have fallen due to Canadian Beaver. Just sayin.

Jillian said...

O...M...G. Why did I click that first link?

Was this in answer to the "teabag" and "reach around" links in your previous post leaving me disappointed?

You sir, are mean.

moooooog35 said...

You need to write about the dangers of Canadian "American Tourist Hate Groups."

Also, I've seen some Canadian beavers, and they looked nothing like that.

Cost me a sh*tload of money to see them, but well worth it.

By the way, got something for you on my site today.


Anonymous said...

Hey Mike, come to my blog and get your award please!


Anonymous said...

I will never venture to Canada now. Is this your way of weeding out the Americans? Good job!

Mike said...

Single - once you've got some Canadian in you I'll let you in on ALL the secrets. Just come see me, i'll help you with both :P

meghan - Canada is known for it's quality beaver, that's for sure.

Jillian - yes to both :P

Mooog - thanks man, I'll be sure to give you some more props too!

Mimzie - If I really wanted to weed out the americans, I'd just let the bears eat you.

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

Oh, Canada! sure sounds an awful lot like Oregon and Washington State :P Only... our bears love to drink Rainer Beer and loves to eat Krispy Kremes. No wonder we have an obesity problem with not just American folks, but with our American animals, too! lol

We like to grow 'em big 'round d'ez parts, y'all. big 'n' round, dat iz.

new york dactyl said...

is it just me, or is the beaver picture the most frightening thing..ummmm... EVER!

Knight said...

Wait, if I cover myself in bear urine won't that make more bears likely to rape me? Do I have to wander around in the woods or can I just go to a big city and not wear urine?

Jillian said...

OK... so I kinda gave you an award, too.

I see it helps to tell people these kinda of things.

So... yeah.

And from now on, I shall be wary of any link clicking I do on this blog :-P

Anonymous said...

Mike, I need to know the tricks of the trade now... I have not patience, spoiled brat maybe?



Jay Cam said...

man, why are so worried? you can hit all of those with your car and get away with it!
: )

Mike said...

Fashionista - trust me, Canada isn't far behind you american fat asses!

dactyl - I would have figgured the fly would freak you out more, but to each their own.

Knight - Our provincial capital, and largest city in Canada, Toronto, is up to 500 people now. That's about enough to keep MOST of the bears away, but you never know.

Jillian - awards are good! I'll give you google props!

Single - I told you, you need some Canadian IN you!

Jay - Beavers make an awful mess when hit. So do squeegee kids.

sweets said...

of all the usefull info you gave one thing stuck...

you only have four weeks of summer??????

i could never live there ;)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i fucking love beavers. whether it's mine or someone elses. especially hairless beavers. hairy, smelly or fat beavers are unnacceptable.

Iron Pugilist said...

Last two made almost made me shit my pants ha ha ha ha!