A guide to the dangers of Canadian Animals

One of my previous posts, the dating perils of the small town, many people got a bad impression of Canada. All the Americans who read it thought Canada was some sort of benign country where everybody was friendly, hardworking and good to his fellow man. Instead, they learned Canada is a capitalist clusterfuck filled with fat people that have huge, undeserved senses of entitlement. JUST LIKE AMERICA.

But just like America, Canada is full of natural beauty and scenic wonder. We have beautiful coastlines, gorgeous inland lakes, rivers and watersheds, and beautiful and relatively undisturbed nature parks and preserves.

Although Canada does not have many animals that are poisonous, we do have our share of dangerous animals that should be treated with respect. For any American wanting to drink in the natural scenic beauty of our Canadian wilds, I am pleased to provide the following guide for their consideration.

First on the list are Black Bears. While they are much smaller than the counterpart you may be more familiar with, the Grizzly, they are also faster, more intelligent and much more malicious. They tend to stay away from humans (due to our horrid overwhelming stench), but every once and a while you'll come across a bear who is attracted to that. If you're wondering why a bear would be attracted to something that smells horrid like us humans, I'll just remind you of the Japanese. The first thing you must understand, is that these bears will consider you another bear, because you're of the same size standing. The second thing is, you're standing. That's bad. When bears stand, it's the first move in a competition for dominance. Since you will never be able to out fight a bear, or out run one, you must show it that you are no threat, and further, that you consider that bear a dominant animal. The appropriate action is to pull your pants down around your ankles, turn around, put your head on the ground and your ass straight up in the air. Failure to do this right away will earn you a mauling. Don't be afraid if the bear sniffs about your ass, that's just his way of ensuring you're not a threat. Finally, if he mounts you, remember, it's not about sex, it's about dominance. Just stay quiet until the bear moves away (he may want to have a cigarette or a nap first).

Beaver falls second in the danger scale, behind the black bears. Though they are smaller and mostly nocturnal, should you run into a pack of these aggressive rodents, you are in trouble. Though they don't look particularly lithe, they can run at human sprinting speeds and out jump a kangaroo. If you happen across these animals, they will take you down, and gnaw your limbs off and use them to build a dam. As a side note, should you see a dam of human limbs, go back the way you came as fast as your little legs will carry you.

The only thing that beaver are scared of are black bears. Before going into the wilderness, scout out a local Beaver Lumber store. They carry bear urine, and you should douse yourself liberally in the stuff. That is guaranteed to keep the beaver away. They won't have it on the shelves, you'll have to ask for it at the back. Just make sure you wink at the person behind the counter when asking for it. That's the secret; otherwise they'll think you're American and deny they have it. Beaver Lumber employees don't much like Americans.

Black Flies are huge and numerous, especially in Canada's four week long summer. You can tell they are coming by the high pitched, whiny shrill buzz they emit from their wings. These flying poo covered menaces have only about half of the thinking power of Dubya Bush, so they cannot be reasoned with at all. The only thing that will keep them away is to find something even more shrill and annoying than they are. I recommend keeping a Celine Dion CD and speakers on hand at all times in the bush.


Last, but not least, are the squeegee kids. These animals are the most annoying at all, and nothing short of running them over will get rid of them. They can be easily identified by noting the smell, that they haven't had a shower in months and their hair has unintentional dreadlocks. Upon stopping at a red light, they will approach your car and attempt to clean it with a dirty, ratty squeegee they stole from a local gas station. They will then hope you don't notice that your windshield is now MORE dirty and beg for money. DO NOT LET THEM SQUEEGEE YOUR WINDOW. They cannot afford water or soap, so the buckets are full of urine, saliva, and sometimes seamen. When you come to a stop light, put your windshield wipers on. That's the universal signal that you don't want your windshield washed. And whatever you do, keep your windows rolled up. If bitten by a squeegee kid, you'll turn into one of them.

I hope the above guide to dangerous Canadian animals helped. If you follow the above suggestions, your stay in Canada will be a happy, memorable time.

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If you liked the above, you might also like:

The dating perils of the small town
Why you don't want to live in Canada
To be the Canadian
Those lousy telemarketers!
Small Town Idiot