Subscribe to my full feed.
from here on in, this blog is null and void. Head over to my new blog, It'll nock your underwear right off!
If you have this blog on your blog roll or link list, please change it to I'd appreciate it!

Monday, June 30, 2008

I'm too old for this shit.

*Update July 1st/08. Knight from Knights Ramblings asked for a picture of my injury. Here you go, hope you enjoy!
The skill of riding a bicycle is never forgotten. Once you've built the neural pathways in your head, you can always just get on a bike and ride.

That doesn't mean that you can't get rus
ty, which I found out the hard way yesterday.

A friend of mine called me up and said "hey, let's go mountain biking!" and I said "Great Idea!"

So, I dusted off the old Rockhopper, sped off down the road and met him near his place.

The first thing I'd like to affirm is the extreme benefits of not smoking. I haven't had a cigarette for almost three years now. However, I smoked like a fiend the ten years before that. And for the better part of those ten years, one of my favorite hobbies
was mountain biking.

The first ride of the season was the worst. Halfway though I'd be huffing, puffing, trying desperately to get my lungs to inflate from being welded shut from a winters full of tobacco smoke abuse. It was so bad asthmatics were throwing their inhalers at me telling me I needed it more then them. I even got offers of oxygen from those fat old people on scooters. Yea, it was bad.

Not this time around. It's been years since I've been
on that thing, and I was peddling away like it was nobodies business, and nary a flung inhaler came my way.

Kiddies, if you are a dirty fag sucker, quit now, right now. Trust me, you'll thank me for it later.

My friend and I hit some nearby trails to test out our prowess. We went in like lions but came out like pussycats. Well, not so much him but me.

See, I had a little accident while trying to ride over a log. It was wet, the ground was muddy, and the log moved under my bicycle unexpectedly. My wheel caught in the log, throwing the bike to the ground. I went with it as my shoe didn't want to come out of the toe clip, and two-hundred pounds of Mike came crashing down hard, gut first into the
very (sharp) end of the handlebar.

And it hurt.

Boy, did it ever hurt. I got my foot out of the toeclip, and walked around, limping, clutching my gut, and making the guy hurt face. You know the face, the one where you are hurting like hell but you don't want to show it but you can't help scrunching up your face while you're walking around saying "that stings a little, let me walk it off".

Kind of like that. Except I'm not black. And my teeth are straight. But you get the picture.

Two things happened right at that moment. I was breathing very hard, because I was just jabbed in the gut with a small object with the possible force of a 1969 Buick Roadmaster. And I was in a bitchin amount of pain (I've got a nice bloody circle of torn skin with a really deep bruise, probably on my kidney), I got nauseous.

My buddy was chatting away verbally, and inside I was repeating over and over don't puke don't puke don't puke don't puke don't puke don't puke don't puke....

Never, EVER chant don't puke to yourself when you're feeling sick. That ASSURES you vomit.

And vomit I did. I vomited nicely if I do say so. Not as nicely as this, but it was pretty good if I do say so myself.

After I was done, we decided to call it quits and head back to his place for a beer. I had to fill my now empty stomach with something, didn't i!

There is a moral to this story. I came back learning two things:
1. Quiting those dirty fags was the best thing I ever did
2. I'm no longer an invincible teenager and I need to work into things.

But hey, at least I learned, right?


If you liked the above, you might also like

Dirty Fag Suckers
Penis Library
Fibre is your friend?
2008 Resolutions
What NOT to say to a woman

18 keen observations:

Anonymous said...

Awwwwwww, I am glad you lived to tell about it! Vomited huh? haha!!

Yes I hope that beer hit the spot and kept the pain away for awhile!

You need to make a video to make people stop smoking!! You would be an awesome Sponser!!!!

Be good and be careful!!

billymac said...

family guy. best. show. ever.

Meghan said...

Good on you for trying in the first place:) I avoid exercise at all costs, as it reminds me I have the lung capacity of an eighty five year old crackwhore.

Guys love that.

Miss Milk said...

That video was so ew. It's hard to believe that something animated can still manage to be so gross. You'd think I'd have leanrt by now not to watch the ones you post. But apparently not.

I read your Dirty Fag Sucker post and I am so eleventy million percent with you. Three of my grandparents died too young, of cancer, probably tied to smoking or passive smoking. My nana even lost a lung, then had to leave England, her home country, where her entire life and family was, for her health and some fresher air in Australia - and still couldn't quit smoking. I suppose sometimes nothing is big enough to make you stop. But well done to you for managing it, and writing about the addiction so amusingly and so well. :)

Anonymous said...

See? That's why I stay away from any sort of exercise. That shit's dangerous!

The Offended Blogger said...

Dirty Fag Sucker sounds soooo offensive, I love it!

I do hope you will get back in the saddle again soon and not puke like a little girl next time. ;)

C.Rag said...

My cousin quit those dirty fags when he became Born Again.
It didn't last too long, because he & the Youth Counselor moved back to San Francisco.

Knight said...

I was hoping for a photo of the injury. Where is the love Mike? I want to see a bruised Kidney!

Jay Cam said...

its kinda late for this but since im kinda blogger-dead i was wondering if u wanted to be added as an author and "carry the flag"...

contact me back at
if u do..

Mike said...

Cinder - no problem. Stop smoking you'll be fag suckers!

wookie - hells yaw.

meghan - do you go measuring old crack whores lung capacity, or just an educated guess?

Mike said...

milk - feel free to spread the article around, if it stops just one little shit from smoking, it'll be a victory.

mimzie - good plan

offended - no little girl in the world could have come CLOSE to that volume!

cuntie - HA!

knight - just for you, check it.

jay - I'll think about it!

Jessica said...

Aw, that looks bad! Hope you are feeling better.
Good choice of a clip, and the picture of that guy...funny. :D

moooooog35 said...

Thank GOD you didn't hurt your balls.

No need to see THAT.

Hungry Mother said...

I had a RockHopper too, but I decided to limit my off-road riding to shoulders. Getting hurt while exercising is part of the game. The bruises and scars are badges of honor.

Mike said...

jessica - this is man scar! We like battle scars ;)

moooooooog - the only person seeing that would have been Knight, but I probably wouldn't have sent it to her as the swelling would have given her boyfriend feelings of inadequacy.

hungry - you said it brother.

Knight said...

Awesome injury! That looks like internal bleeding was a possibility. Do you have bloody crap yet?

Ha, swollen balls. That would be funny. And very very sad.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

gross. be careful old man!

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

Geezus. that picture looks like..
1. a very deformed man nipple
2. tattoo gone wrong

Love family guy!