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Thursday, May 22, 2008

Public Bathrooms Piss Me Off

A bathroom, to me, is a sanctuary. It's a place of solitude, a place of quite, a place for reflection, a place of relief. My best thinking is usually done one the can as I'm squeezing one out (I expect some shit head jokes. Go ahead, get it out of your system.)

In other words, for me a good trip to the bathroom is like a mini vacation. I can go in stressed and angry and come out happy and relaxed.

Because I place such high stock in bathrooms, public bathrooms are extra offensive to me.

I hate public bathrooms.

The Smell

When you walk into a bathroom, it should smell clean, airy and inviting. At best, public bathrooms smell like urine. At worst, some asshole sasquatch is grunting out a chocolate mud baby that smells like it crawled up there and died - three weeks ago.

The Sounds

Bathrooms are not meeting places. Bathrooms are for expelling wastes. Take your overly loud animated conversation outside. Now. Also, I realize that the bathroom is the best, and only place to make dookie (unless you're camping, where you MUST dig a hole, as shit does roll downhill). Regardless, would you please, PLEASE get more fibre in your diet or something? Machine gun flatulence is funny ONLY outside of my fortress of solitude. And that disgusting wet runny shotgun bum blast? Yea, that's what I want to hear on relaxation time. If you have a loud bum, buy an ass muffler, ok?

The Sights

We're all adults, right? Which means we should all know what goes where. Why are there piles of shredded paper towel under the dispenser? Pull some out, use it, put it in the garbage. It's that simple. If your home looks like that too, you're a fucking pig and should be hurt.

Some people must be balding - DOWN THERE. I had no idea that pubic hair shed so much and so fast. Seriously. With all the short curlies strewn about, you'd think that somebody was trying to grow a pubic chia pet or something.

People, when you shart, do at least one courtesy flush. A giant bum pow not only sounds nasty, it looks like somebody loaded a shotgun with poo and unloaded a few rounds on the back of the bowl. I don't want ANY part of my body that close to poo, that's just sick.

Also, the toilet has a flush lever for a purpose - to take your waste away. USE IT. When I see what looks like month old catfood and paper mixed with corn floating around the bowl, it makes me want to vomit.

If you INSIST on peeing in the poo bowl instead of the urinal, have some bloody respect and don't pee on the rim. I want to sit in urine almost as much as I want to sit on a cactus. If I ever catch somebody getting urine on the bowl, I WILL make them lick it up. Pricks.

If I ever rule the world, you can be sure that public rest rooms will be cleaner, safer, and more inviting places.

==============

If you liked the above, you may also like:

Two girls, one cup
Primates Rule!
Fermented Poo
Advice for New Parents
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24 keen observations:

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

Hahahahahahaha!! They should build better individual stalls with sound proof walls, fans, and auto-spray air freshener. LOL

moooooog35 said...

Another rule:

If you see a clogged toilet brimming with poo-stew, DON'T TRY TO FLUSH IT.

I had this lovely experience last week.

Me (opening stall): GOOD GOD!! WTF?!

(I move to the next stall)

As I'm sitting there making dookie, in walks a pair of loafers. He casually strides into the clog-stall.

Loafers: MOTHER OF CHRIST!!

He then proceeds to TRY TO FLUSH IT.

Of course, it does NOT flush, and immediately starts overflowing INTO MY STALL.

This begins a frantic 30 seconds where I try to expel the remaining dookie as fast as possible AND wipe said dookie before the overflowing poo water and little brown canoes reach my shoes.

It was like Indiana Jones and Raiders of the Lost Ark...except instead of a boulder...it was a flood of turds.

billymac said...

i have two words for you.... "handicap stall".

Jessica said...

I think girls have it better than guys...but I agree with you public bathrooms suck!

Meghan said...

Hover over the toilet, listen to an Mp3 and purell after washing. People are gross.

Hungry Mother said...

I spent 44 days in Mexico on a RV caravan and saw the worst imaginable public banos. Most of them had no toilet seats or paper. In Mexico, the plumbing is so bad that soiled paper has to go into a waste basket instead of being flushed, adding to the ambiance.

On the other side of the coin, I was in a restaurant rest room in Germany that was beautiful, with self-cleaning toilet seats.

Knight said...

*Shakes head*
Our work bathrooms are really gross. Someone keeps picking their nose and wiping it on the door. If I ever find them I will break their nose. I am told that one of the guys in the office has a set BM time and he takes off his pants, hangs them over the door, and reads a magazine on the toilet for a half hour. Can't you wait to do that at home?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i dont like public bathrooms unless it's just one stall that's all mine. that way i can do whatever the fuck i need to, and no one gets angry at the vomit splashing on their feet from my side.

Mimzie Beaumont said...

You are on a roll this week! My favorite part is ". . .disgusting wet runny shotgun bum blast. . ." That's priceless!

C.Rag said...

I just like to have in public bathrooms.

Mike said...

Fashionista - the will if they know what's good for them.

Mooog- normally, I don't tolerate oneupmanship. But because I love you, it's allowed.

wookiemac - yea, but the crappers aren't at the right hight.

Jessica - damned right girls have it better! So girls better stop complaining and stuff!

meghan - yes, people ARE gross.

Hungry - yet another reason not to go to mexico.

knight - getting paid to shit is the best thing ever ;)

tequila - ever thought of carrying your own lined puke backpack? You could sell it to a horny japanese man.

mimzie - feel free to use it ;)

c.rag - have what?

Drowsey Monkey said...

Well, you'd have my vote, lol. But to be honest, I've never thought of my bathroom as a place for reflection. Or a sanctuary.

Did the guys from Queer Eye just visit your place for a make over or something?

Mike said...

Drowsey -

My house is painted white.

Very little is on the walls.

The only plants on my property do NOT flower.

Only an appropriate female that allows me access to her vagina can change that.

Definitely not the queer eye team ;)

Miss Milk said...

Clearly you frequent the wrong public bathrooms. I never have these problems.

Perhaps it's a male thing.

Jo said...

That was singularly revolting--great post! I'm still stuck on chocolate mud baby.

I used a men's bathroom once & thought I was going need therapy to be able to hold a guy's hand ever again.

Mike said...

miss milk - this is because women don't make dookie. Ask mooooog35 about the poo fairy... yes we know about it.

jo- i'm glad I could turn your stomach. You're welcome to refer to poo as chocolate mud baby from now on.

Lakota said...

i was already laughing hysterically over your post when Moogi knocked me on my ass. Raiders of the Lost Turd - i'm dying.

Jillian said...

yeah... you're asking a bit too much from a place EVERYONE is allowed to piss and shit in.

Also, I hate when women don't know how to dispose of their bloody napkins. Don't stick that shit on the wall... throw it away. Bleh.

moooooog35 said...

Mike,

FYI - got a post up on a sister site that links back here.

Yet another bathroom rule, if you're interested.

I use the term "brown canoes" - yeah...I'm using that as a selling point.

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