Why I'll never be a superhero

As promised, but probably not well received, I'd like to talk more about my superpower. Except I have come to the conclusion that it's not actually a superpower and it doesn't actually make me a superhero.

You see, superhero's can do things. Spider man can climb walls and shoot webs out of his wrists (Stan Lee probably didn't want to make the last one TOO accurate) and superman can fly and shoot lasers out of his eyes. What can I do? Making lots of poo unnaturally? The best I could ever hope for is to catch a purse snatcher running, poop in his way just before he gets there and hope he slips and falls.

That's why I'm going to have to add to my power if I ever want to become a superhero.

I'm going to have to learn how to projectile poop.

It's not going to be easy. I mean, my body wasn't designed for projectile pooping, it was designed to let it go gently so as not to break the porcelain. Being in engineering, I know that if I want to produce more pressure, I have to make a constriction. Therefore, I have to attach a poop nozzle to my ass. Kind of like a fire nozzle but for poo.

I then realized that if I was to get a poop nozzle, I'd have to get my ass muscles into the proper shape to force the poop past the greater ass constriction, otherwise this might happen:
And I really, really don't want that to happen.

So in order to get my ass muscles in shape I'd have to hire some personal trainers. And who would know more about getting rectums into shape than homosexual personal trainers?

And then there's the ammunition. I'd have to think very carefully about what I ate. For example, if I knew my enemy was going to be big, strong and slow, I'd have to eat a box or two of all bran for the big bomber. If my enemy was going to be lite and fast, I'd be eating corn for that machine gun effect.

My super hero apparel would have to be appropriate for my power as well.
But then I realized this:

I'd be strutting around in a speedo with an open butt crack, with something that looked like a dildo sticking out of it. My two companions, Biff and Lance, would be flaming harder than Liberachi, and I'd have no choice to go by the name "Butt plug man" or "The Incredible Poop Man!" or "Anus McGhee."

That really, really isn't going to help me get a girlfriend.

And that's why I'll never be a superhero.