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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I'll say some shit about shit.

This post is dedicated to the Fabulous Ne - who asked for a rant after reading my last one. I hope you enjoy.

What the hell is up with farmers. Seriously. Just because they wade tit deep in poo does that mean we ALL have to have shitty nipples?

Granted I do a lot of driving on country roads for work. Country roads means farms and farms means poo spreaders, it's a fact of life. This time of year the farmers are busy spreading poo all over their fields in preparation for next year.

I'm bombing along at about 90 klicks, when Shit Heels Cliff burns out from a farmers field onto the road pulling his shit spreader towed by a John Deer. No reg
ards, just bombs out, didn't even look. Or maybe he did, he just wanted to fuck someone over. And that someone was me.

His manure spreader wasn't loaded with the benign grassy smelling cow poo. No, it wasn't cow poo at all. It was LIQUID CHICKEN AND PIG SHIT.

If you've ever smelled that stuff, it smells like death. I slump
ed in my seat and my head hit the horn. Shit Heels gave me the finger.

Fuck face made a sharp left turn back into the field, spraying liquid pig shit EVERYWHERE. My truck was covered. COVERED!


Ok, you know what? Maybe you're a farmer. Maybe you LIKE rolling around in poo. Maybe you even eat the stuff, I don't know, whatever cranks your yank. I don't care. But just because you like it, doesn't mean everyone else does.

So, farmers, here's what's what.

Wipe that smirk off your face. You know the one. The farmers smirk. And while your at it, take that retarded sticker off your '79 Dodge Dakota. You know, 'farmers feed cities'. OH! What a brain yanker! Farmers feed cities, dentists clean teeth, doctors deliver babies - hey! Guess what! Cities PAY farmers. So I guess without cities there wouldn't be a need for farmers?

The roads are for EVERYONE. Yea, that land beside the
road is yours, so friggin what. You, your shit spreader and John Deer tractor do 3 miles an hour. I'm doing 60 in my vehicle. It won't take me long to get past you at that speed, trust me.

You're paying for my brakes, you f*ckSh*t's.

Also, before you drive on the road, you MUST realize your shit spreaders, even though empty, STILL HAVE SHIT STUCK ON THEM. Wash that down before you leave another forty pounds of shit on the road to stick to everything that comes by. I don't throw my empty Tim Hortons cups on your front lawn, so have some DAMNED respect and KEEP YOUR POO OFF MY VEHICLE!

Thanks Shit Heels Cliff! I'm going to poo on your chest next time you're assleep.

Ass face.

8 keen observations:

moooooog35 said...

I smell a new YouTube sensation coming up!

"Two Guys, One Manure Trailer"

Technodoll said...

As long as we continue to eat carrots grown in poop, they will continue to grow them.

I say we all turn purely into meat-eaters. Yey more poop to play in!

King of New York Hacks said...

Doesn't sound THAT bad. I mean its not like it was LIQUID CHICKEN,PIG,HORSE,DOG AND SEAGULL SHIT. It was just liquid chicken and pig shit. No big deal.

Anonymous said...

Liquid pig and chicken poop? YUK!
Now that made me sick right there!

Thanks for the Linky love, but just hearing ya bitch is what I am talking about! wooo hooo!!
I am on my way to Canada right now. but I dont want any poop on me so I need to know what roads to travel!!

Seriously, they don't ummm clean or spray it off before doing travel? I will come clean your truck for you! what bathing suit ya want me to wear??? LOL@@@

TanNinety said...

Mike - Just been here and there brother man, ya know, avoiding church and stuff, lurking on most of your posts. (When you did the weird search shit that people google and land up on your blog and you rank 'em, yeah, I've been getting the numero uno place on that one ,j/k, but don't tell anyone!)

I didn't know you were into the whole cleveland steamer?

lol@mooooog - "Two guys, one truck"
You see a guy enjoying his drive along the country, nice music and all and then *bam* second guy trailer poo!

billymac said...

you should have road raged on the guy... and by road rage i mean drown him in his own vat of liquid shit. that would have been sweeet.

Mike said...

Mooooog - you make that one, I'll market it!

doll - I'm with you yet again!

NY Hacks - ok, no problem, you cover yourself in it and see how bad it isn't ;)

single - how about your birthday suit? :P

tan - avoiding church? You coming over to the light side? :P

billymac - those guys actually smell worse than the shit they haul. No thanks!

Knight said...

Maybe you should move away from places where they spray shit. If you find that place let me know and I will join you.