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Monday, August 11, 2008

Let's kill us some teenagers

Before I start in on the main topic of my post, I'd like to say that I've just come back from the local grocery store to get a sandwich and my cashier was a midget. I love midgets! They're so cool! I think we should rename them from "little people" to "leprechauns in our midst". She asked me how I was doing, and I told her fine, and enjoying the cool weather. She looked at me like I had three heads (instead of my two). I'm guessing since heat rises, leprechauns in our midst are always cold, so cold weather is especially nasty to them.

This morning I was at one of our local fire halls taking a sample when the urge came over me. Grabbing a nearby firefighters magazine, I dashed into the can. Opening the magazine, I literally AND figuratively shit. It was an article to try and stop teenagers from lighting themselves on fire.

Yes, idiotic little douchebags (the official long form name of teenagers) are so stupid they are lighting themselves on fire.

Apparently the thing is to soak various body parts in flammable things like tag body spray, then light themselves on fire.

I don't place the blame squarely on the teenagers though. Dumb kids come from dumb adults. Adults who are so dumb they don't understand the simple psychology of "teenagers do the OPPOSITE to what you say." Rabid anti smoking campaigns turn these little douchebags into smoke stacks. Age drinking laws turns them into alcoholics. Campaigns to stop them from lighting themselves on fire, well, you get the idea. Anything that's 'bad' coming from adults is cool to these little tards.

But it isn't all teenagers who are idiots, and it's not all adults who are idiots. Being as it may, I propose the following idea.

Make tag body spray and their ilk VERY VERY flammable.

It will have the following affects:

  • After witnessing their retarded friends die doing something stupid, most teenagers will smarten up.
  • Killing the children of the parents who are too stupid to raise their children properly:
  • Thereby strengthening the gene pool and helping to eliminate socially stupid people who are leeches to society at BEST.
Who's with me to petition spray deodorant manufactures to use kerosene as a base?

Also, my apologies to Ne and Miss Milk, who are teenagers but aren't idiotic little retards.

14 keen observations:

moooooog35 said...

New advertising slogan:

"TAG Body Spray.

That's HOT."

Mike said...

Oh oh!


"Tag body spray. It'll get you BLOWN"

Blogget Jones said...

It would only kill off the ones who care about their body odor. And I can say from the scent around my son's friends, that's not many of them....

;o) BJ

Jessica said...

OMG wtf are these kids thinking!

I remember when I was about 13 some girls would squirt hairspray on their hands and try to light them on fire. I thought at the time that they were idiots.

Now whole bodies...isn't that one of the first lessons we learn-being on fire is not a good thing. Stop, drop, and roll. Crazy!

Anonymous said...

I tell you! I am so glad that I don't even think about things like this to do! I mean My Gosh!

I had to read it again, I cannot believe they would even do some silly things like this! NO need for apologies I may do something stupid later on and have to tell you about it, but please DON'T write a post about it and name me! lol

I hope something changes these kids mind and hopefully not death by being stupid as hell!!


The Divine Miss M said...

Hmmm ....

Let's see what happens when I take this highly flamable substance, toss it all over my body and then light it.

Hey look. I get burnt.


Perhaps kids are being born these days lacking in brain cells?

I dunno hey, I thought that MOST normal people would be able to tell that SETTING YOURSELF ON FIRE IS NOT AN INTELLIGENT THING TO DO.

Mainly it'll just hurt.

Fucking morons.

Miss Milk said...

I was about to write that this was completely unbelievable, but then I realised...

... I know kids who have set themselves on fire with those pressurised cans of deodorant.

*hangs head in shame*

For the record, they're all guys. Let's just kill the teenage boys, mm?

The Divine Miss M said...

Miss Milk seriously?

Though in all fairness I did inhale butane gas when I was about 13.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Though how setting yourself on fire can seem like a good idea is beyond me ...

C.Rag said...

Teenagers are just teases.

Stupid Jailbaiters!

Anonymous said...

Is it bad if I light someone else on fire? Because I have a list and it gets longer every day!

Knight said...

I had a bit of an arson problem when I was a teen. I used to spray things with body spray and light them on fire but never myself. I did have a crush on a guy who lit my arm hair on fire. That is flirting, right?

I think you have a good plan. If the kids are dumb enough to light themselves on fire then by all means let them pick themselves off early.

Mike said...

BJ - they don't care to use the stuff to make themselves smell nice, that's the problem!

jessica- we aren't surviving as a race.

Ne - many, many people die of stupidity.... unfortunately, not enough ;)

Miss M - kids suck donkey turds

Miss Milk - I guess you wouldn't mind, Ben not being a teenager and all, hmmm?

cuntie - I didn't take you for being a diddler. Learn something new every day.

Mimzie - I believe that's kinda what we're talking about here ;)

Knight - I always knew you were a smart one :)

Miss Milk said...

Hit the nail on the head. The kids I'm thinking of were mostly bogan children. I was a Scout in Boganland once upon a time, socialising with bogan boys... at the risk of sounding like a snob, it's not an experience I'd be repeating in a hurry.

Tink said...

Did this article say WHY they were lighting themselves on fire? I'm telling you, it's the effing Scientologists.