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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Old ladies are dirty pigs.

*Update: July 17/08. Everyone go over to Slicksumbitch to see my guest post today!

Yes, that's correct. Old ladies are dirty pigs. So are young ladies as a matter of fact, but I really don't mind that one at all.

Now, feminazis, before you get your underarm hair in a braid, just let me explain, ok?

Part of my employment responsibilities include care of all of my County small facilities on their own wells. As such, I make the rounds to the 20+ community halls, arena's, and the like every week. My timing couldn't have been worse on the one. You see, I walked into a women's institute meeting.

Local women's institutes are a support group that's a throw back to old times when women didn't have any rights. Such as the rights to vote, to wear s
hoes, to speak, and to generally live a comfortable life.

Great strides were made by these women then, which is good, except I really wish that the pendulum hung in the middle now, instead of far off in the other direction that make out men to be evil and in need of horrid torture. But I digress.

You see, the women that make up these institutes are also throw backs to those times. I believe the average age was about 106. As I walked into the building, all talking stopped and all eyes were on me."Look!" one shouted. "A man!"

As I walked into the building with my basket full of tools, the front door shut behind me, of it's own accord. You know, like you see in scary ghost horror flicks. "Just here to inspect the water system" I said, moving cautiously forward. It was then I felt a sharp pain in my behind.

I looked at my bum to see a bony hand clamped with vice like strength, attached to someone who could easily have been my great grandma. A toothless maw opened, and said "hello there young man!"

I panicked. I bolted, leaving a swath of jeans in the granny's hands. I saw with dismay that she took them and put them to her face and took a deep inhale. So disgusting. I ran towards the basement door, and salvation, through a sea of reaching and grasping liver spotted hands and the sounds of decrepit cat calls.


I finally made it to the basement door, threw it open, ran inside and closed it behind me. I wedged a few concrete blocks behind it, and finally, I was safe.

I looked down at myself. Half my jeans were gone, my shirt was missing, and I was covered in scratches left by gnarled, yellowed nails. I had to get out of there!

I opened the tiny window and squeezed my wa
y out. Looking around, I could see nobody. Freedom! I got to my feet and ran towards the car and my salvation, when the grand pooba of the grannies stepped out in front of me.
"We paid for you and you're staying!" she screeched, her hand out in a defiant stop gesture. I continued my desparate journey to the car, only to be knocked flat on my ass by an incredibly powerful 86 lb woman.

She straddled my chest, and yelled "Now get back in there and do your job! And get into costume for fucks sake!"

"I don't know what the hell your talking about lady! I'm just a County worker! All I wanted to do was check the water system!"

"You mean you're not from Chipndales exotic dancers?"

"NO!"

"Oh sorry sonny."

The old lady got off my chest and waddled back inside.

That was the bad part of the story. The good? Later that evening, I found $340.00 worth of bills had been stuffed down my undies.

I'm booked to do a women's institute show next week.

20 keen observations:

moooooog35 said...

That's creepy.

A very similar thing happened to me.

Except it was at an Elk's Lodge.

Old men are worse.

Trust me.

C.Rag said...

Oh Mooog & his Lemon parties!

Can't beat dry old vags & a couple hundred bucks!

Wet young vags expect you to drop a couple of hundred bucks on them.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

hmm. yeaaaaah...

and dudes wonder why chicks are scared to fucking death to get old. ugh. i think i need to go look at my face in a high magnifying mirror to check for wrinkles.

Technodoll said...

Yey for super cougars and fish jerky! *snicker*

I never get tired of that line...

Glad you made it out alive - what are you wearing next week? If I paid you, could you come mow my lawn, naked?

Oh wait, I need to get a lawn first. Gimme a week.

Miss Milk said...

Oh please. Picture the male counterpart of your "grand pooba" of old ladies. Picture yourself as a (comparatively) young woman walking into that room and being mistaken for an exotic dancer. You know it would have been way worse, and the guy, way more hideous. In fact, just thinking about it makes me think that woman looks attractive.

Men are filthy, and they stink.

Mike said...

Mooooog - how much did you find stuffed into your underwear?

C.Rag - right on the money, as always!

tequila - there's a difference between old and one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel.

techdoll - next week I'm going as an HVAC repairman!

Mike said...

Miss Milk - do you actually think all that was true, or just loosely based on an event in my life?

If it's the former, you should hook up with my sister the former feminazi. She let the braids out of her pit hair a long time ago ;)

Miss Milk said...

... Are you serious? Do you think I'm that stupid, or gullible? Come on, don't insult me.

But if the genders were reversed, I'd be inclined to believe it. That's all I'm saying.

(I hang around with feminazis, I think that's where I get it. :P)

Mike said...

"But if the genders were reversed, I'd be inclined to believe it. That's all I'm saying."

Miss Milk - when you turn of age, I'd like you to do two things:

#1. Visit a strip club for men.
#2. Visit a strip club for women.

Come back and we can have this conversation again ;)

kyknoord said...

This is precisely why I can't visit my grandmother any more, although I could use the extra cash.

Meghan said...

Riiiight, cause people are often there to check the water in speedos. Nice try.

Jessica said...

Dude, I love the pictures you choose for your posts! What...is that lady back from the dead or something? She looks like a walking corpse. :D

Knight said...

My grandmother gropes everyone but nobody seems to mind hmmm.

It's nice to know you could walk around all day with a couple hundred in your skivvies and not even notice it. That will come in handy if you ever get into drug dealing.

Mike said...

kyk - I'll visit her FOR you!

meghan - actually, you'll find lots of speedo's around water ;)

Jessica - google is your friend ;)

knight - shock man, shock.

Hungry Mother said...

Something that you young-uns need to know is that the older you get, the better the old grannies look to you. I got a bit turgid looking at the old biddy. Of course, I'd eaten my watermelon rind before looking at your blog today.

billymac said...

christ. now my junk will never see blood again.

Indrani Bhattacharya said...

Omigosh...I had the laugh of my life! You made my day with a photo of great grandma in her new spaghetti strap corset.

From now on, I'll have to think twice about accepting food from the hands of women past 70. The look of the nails on great grandma's hands almost made me throw up. Yikes!

Indrani Bhattacharya said...

On a second thought, is that a corset, or a 1926 Mary Pickford vintage gown she's attempting to flaunt?

Obviously, the 106 year young lady is by now too flattened in the chest area, to fit it out properly.
I could see that.

Miss Milk said...

Last night my grandfather came over. We don't see him very often as he lives interstate, and he's rather proper.

He walks over to me at the computer, to see how my new printer is going.

I minimise the window I'm in, and look away to show him the printer.

Little do I know that my parents and grandfather are standing in front of the computer, horrified to see A VERY VERY FAT MAN.

YOUR VERY VERY FAT MAN.

It was mortifying. Thanks, Mike!

ud said...

holy crap, that 2nd scary lady picture reminded me of those creepy monster guys in "Legend" with Tom Cruise - whoa...