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Monday, June 16, 2008

The I tag

I got tagged by Cinder-Single. I hate tags, but she's pretty, blond and female (that last part is the most important) so I couldn't say no.

I also just did a guest post on her blog, so go here and read it, please! It's some of my better work, I promise you.

Anyways, here is the "I" tag. I won't tag anyone.

I am :
A humanoid male. Fear me, bitches.

I think : Not nearly enough.

I know : Less and less every year. Stupid old age.

I want : Celine Dion to get a permanent case of laryngitis

I have : A lot of fucking bills. Why is life so damned expensive? I guess it could be worse, I could be a muslim woman in Iran. Ok, I'm good, I'm good!

I wish : I had at least one perfect poop every day. You know, the kind that just slides out in one big mass and has almost no clean up after wards. OOOOO yea!

I hate : Celine Dion, not having laryngitis

I miss : The toilet when I have those 3 am pees sometimes

I fear : Being locked in a room while Celine Dion sings to me. Ugh.

I feel : I only have one emotion. I'll let ya'll know when I figure out what it is.

I hear : That damned Celine Dion on the radio. Why. WHY!?!?!??!??!?!?!

I smell : That damned bitch in the office that won't stop farting. Bitch.

I crave : Pizza. It's my one weakness, besides sushi.

I search : Internet porn. Come on, we all do it, admit it.

I wonder : Why the HELL Celine Dion is so fucking popular? She's HORRIBLE!

I regret : Losing the plans to that damned time machine, so I could go back in time and make it so Celine Dion was never born. Frig that woman annoys me!

I love : I'm not sure that's the emotion. See above.

I ache : After doing something stupid and injuring myself. That's why I live in Canada; no hassle health care.

I am not: EVER going to buy a Celine Dion album. EVER.

I believe : That purple unicorns fly out of my butt every night, and I'm going to make a religion around it that hopefully makes me richer than Catholics.

I dance : Like Corky from life goes on.

I sing : Horribly, so badly I'm not allowed. They've passed an international law.

I cry : I think I cried once in December of 77, when the doctor slapped me. I've toughened up since.

I don’t always : Hold my farts in. Farting can be funny.

I fight : The urge to .... never mind.

I write : About poo. Read my blog. Poo is funny.

I win : Who said! Fuck, hurry up, I'm still waiting.

I lose : insert am and add an 'r'. HA!

I never : Yea, that's right ho! (insert finger and black lady head waggle).

I always : Do a courtesy flush in someone elses home.

I confuse : I confusious! Because when I fart in church, I sit in my own pew!

I listen :To ANYTHING but Celine Dion

I can usually be found : Gangbanging with my homeboys, yo!

I am scared : Of theocracies. Gross.

I need : A fucking vacation already. The man's got me down!

I am happy about : Bunch of shit. Owning my own home, having an education, having regular bowel movements, you name it.

I imagine : Both of the Olson twins in my bed. You know, if they weren't crack whores and they were at a normal body weight. Ok, fine, Scarlet Johansen.

15 keen observations:

Cinder-Single said...

GREAT YOU DID IT!!! I Take it you don't like Celine!!

I am glad you are freakin Happy!!
You did a great job with this tag!!


Thank you for guest posting... EVERYONE COME BY AND CHECK OUT HIS MASTERPIECE!!!!!

Ne.

Lakota said...

Celine issues darling?
this was pretty dang funny.
~smooch~

C.Rag said...

So you were Celine Dion's stalker?

Mimzie Beaumont said...

I have one thing to say about internet porn. . .eskimotube.com

You're welcome!!!

Jessica said...

Funny! :D I think Celine better watch out!

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

So... you secretly love Celine Dion, otherwise you wouldn't have repeated her name so many times LOL

Poo...

moooooog35 said...

Am I the ONLY one who wishes for a pair of Celine Dion twins in my bed?

Yeah, probably.

Forget I said anything.

Meghan said...

So do you wanna have a threeway with Celine Dion before or after we go out for sushi?

Knight said...

I gather you have a lot of issues with pooping. I recommend you invest in some wet naps. Yeah, like people use on babies. It will save you time and keep you clean.

Hungry Mother said...

Nice list. You protest too much on Celine, I think.

Mike said...

cinder - you're welcome. Anytime.. well, not too often, it is your blog after all ;)

Kota - i'm ashamed a woman that lacks talent is representing my country.

c.rag - no, i'm your stalker. Watch out for the next delivery of oversized doubled ended dildo's.

mimzie... coool! Now you go to youporn.com!

Mike said...

Jessica - celine has nothing to fear from me, i'll just endure her horrible singing since I barely am forced to listen to it.

fashionista - can you get a screen shot of your tiny breasted second life character on the can?

mooooog - I thought you had ed? Celine Dion gives me ed!

meghan - eating fish twice in a row? Really?

knight - TP is my only weapon of choice. Oh, and a detachable shower head.

hungry - you're older. Older people like celine for some weird reason.

Miss Milk said...

Was every second one a reference to bottoms or bodily functions? Freud would have a field day with you, Mr. Anal Stage.

Mike said...

Milk - young lady.

As you get older, you'll realize bodily functions are not only funny, but normal. It's a common realization and a sign of maturity.

Freud and I would have spent our hour lighting our farts and having burping contests, guaranteed.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i wholly agree with you on celine dion. that bitch makes me wish i was born deaf