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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I'll Say Some More Shit

Damnit damnit to hell! My server hosting provider for The Truth of Water is being such a dingbat lately. Forms don't work, I can't make simple changes, it won't allow me to publish things to the web half the damn time.


I mean, I think they are doing some server upgrades or some shit. But tech support doesn't have to be so... RETARDED. Or do they?

I mean, when I open a ticket, I really don't need to know all the mumbo jumbo. Dot webserver this, backslash tititty ca ca that. If I knew all that shit would I NEED to pay these asshats for their hosting services?

I mean, I use a FRICKIN point and click wysywig editing tool for frigs sake, and these douchebags are talking to me like I'm a peer, not like I'm a customer.

And do I really care if they are only second teir techs and they need to get third or fourth teir techs to solve my problem? Do I really give a shit about their internal company structure? I don't care if they have to go to the bowels of hell and get Lucifer himself to do
it, just DO it and tell me about it.

Half the time when they do tell me they did something it's almost like they're outsoucing to India. Hey! DURGH! I can imagine Jasminder's first day on the job. Yea, he's a great computer tech and much more knowledgable and helpful then our entitled asshole techs we have here, BUT HE DOESN'T SPEAK ENGLISH!

"To trump the form bump trickle the jazit nozzle
with a html tweak in the php butt farker on end that yours is and proper mail to me yesturyear."


Was he coming on to me or addressing my internet problem?

So, thank you computer geeks. I know doing y
our job is a huge hassel so you like nothing better to fuck with a paying customer. Maybe I'll go away so you can continue playing online Halo, drinking too much soda and stroking that molester mustache your mom told you makes you look grown up, even though you're 35 and you haven't moved out yet.

Screw you!

18 keen observations:

Hungry Mother said...

That kind of rant is why we hate users. If you want to play, you've got to learn the jargon and bow down to us computer gurus.

moooooog35 said...

I've worked tech support for 8 years - my last company sold systems that averaged cost at $1 million.

During one midnight conference call with a GIANT customer of ours, I found myself as follows:

1) Sitting on couch
2) Blackberry on speaker phone listening to customers freaking out over $5 million lost for every minute of downtime
3) Blackberry on mute
4) Me, in my underwear on said couch watching VH1's "Rockin' 80's Marathon" whilst holding my Rock Band drumsticks and beating the air feverishly to Poison, Ratt and Dio.

We don't care about your problems.

We really don't.

Unless there's nothing on TV.

Jessica said...

LOL- Sorry about your tech issues.

Btw-you need to add me to your blog list!!!

Mike said...

Hungry - Customers are the boss. You bow down to us. And if you're a good looking green eyed blond female, you may bow down before me in a very special way ;)

Moooooog - How could #2 be true if #3 is true? No wonder! You guys ARE duuurrrr!

Jessica - done and done. Sorry, I pay this blog little attention these days in favour of

Jessica said...

Hey thanks! :)

Anonymous said...


Sowwy! about your server issues! I am sure I could have talked you through them last night!! BUT the thing is would you have understood me and my Girl Language?? LOL!!


Technodoll said...

Yeah. Well. What am I, chopped liver? I wanna on the blogroll too, waaah!

As a fellow sufferer of Dell Tech Support agony from hell (I lost an eye poking myself with a fork to relieve the pain while on hold with India), I think I deserve it.

Mike said...

Ne: I'll make sure I do more of those then :P

Technodoll: Your wish is my command, my disciple.

moooooog35 said...

Jesus H. Christ.

"How could #2 be true if #3 is true?"

Let's recap:

2) Blackberry on speaker phone listening to customers freaking out over $5 million lost for every minute of downtime
3) Blackberry on mute

Hm. I have my BB on speaker so I don't have to hold it.

I have it muted, so they CAN'T HEAR ME.

"Mute: adj., mut·er, mut·est.

1. Refraining from producing speech or vocal sound."

When you mute your phone, people can't hear you. You can hear them, they can't hear you.

I'll give you ten minutes to digest that.


No wonder you needed support. Light's a bit dim in the attic.

Although, it doesn't change the fact that we don't give a shit about your problems.

Mike said...


I don't carry a blackberry cuz I'm not a technogeek.

The mute button on everything else I own MUTES it.

No noise.

At all.

See? This is why people hate you service types. You think you're right when it's actually the guy PAYING you that's right!!

The Offended Blogger said...

You need to outsource yourself into a bottle of liquor. That always solves MY computer related problems.

It also makes me do weird things on Yahoo's Jewish chat but uh, we won't go there...

Mike said...


I understand.

I used to drive a really big loud truck when I lived in Toronto.

There was a jewish area. Not the can't really tell type like my folks are, but the black hat wool suit in the middle of summer funny side hair big bearded jews.

So i'd take my big truck in that area, put it in first, and drive medium slow with Ramstein blasting on the stereo on full.


I enjoyed the stink eye I got.

Does that make me a bad person?

moooooog35 said...

People hate me because I'm beautiful.

Not because I'm a 'service type.'

I say this to myself in mirror every morning, so it must be true.

Mike said...


People hate you because you're almost a midget but have normal sized genitals, thereby giving you the 'appearance' of having a huge schlong.

TanNinety said...

Oh man, I don't know what is funnier. The post or the exchange in the comments between you and Rod. You guys is crazy.

The techies would call this a 'ID 10 t' error ..which goes among the lines "error between keyboard and chair".

I would rather have the details instead of the nut jobs going:
Jasminder: "hallo. this jasmind ..Robert Fischer ..did you restart you modem"
ME: "modem? my sql tables aren't updating"
Jasminder: "yeah, restart your modem. thank you, come again"

The tier's are so that the more knowledgeable guy isn't stuck on the phone showing someone how to right click or find the "any" key on the keyboard.

I feel your pain though. In their defense, they probably don't know what level of expertise each customer has so they default to giving out all the details.

But I am glad it ticked you off, else I would have missed out on this gem of a post. It was hilarious!

C.Rag said...

That's guy is hot.

Cash said...

In my Revolution, computer geeks will go down. Along with Chinese because they eat dog.


Mike said...


Where u been brother??

c.rag - don't you wish AG grows up just like him?

Cash - yea, we'll be fighting the chinese sooner or later.