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Monday, September 29, 2008

Why I am the way I am.

I just came back from a family dinner party. Well, it wasn't so much family, but friends of the family. Ok, it wasn't so much friends of the family but friends of my mom's. I didn't really want to be there, and neither did my old man, but my mom used the dirtiest, nastiest, and most skillfull trick that the jewish mother has.


Me and my old man found ourselves downstairs in the basement playing pool every appreciable minute. The husband of the house did the dinner clean up leaving the group of ladies to chat. We were not trying to be antisocial, rather, we didn't really want to involve ourselves in women conversation.

I'm not sure what woman conversation is all about, but I imagine that when women get together in a group they talk about their vagina's a lot. And vagina talk amongst a group of overweight 50+ year olds isn't something that I wanted to be a part of.

Ok, there was a 20 something girl there too, but she was an overweight pregnant lesbian and I wasn't interested in hearing about her vagina either.

My old man won most of the pool games. It wasn't for lack of skill on my part because we both suck balls at billiards. Whenever I was up a ball or three my old man squeezed out a horrible old man sulphurous fart.... probably just at the edge of being a shart, right next to me as I was trying to take a shot.

My gag reflex prevented me from shooting straight. It didn't bother him - he's a card carrying liberal and the smell of self farts gets those types sexually aroused.

Don't get me wrong. If I had farts in me and I thought I could have used them to my advantage I would have. My old man and I are cut from the same cloth. He's just older than I am, more organized, and his jowls hang way lower than mine.

No, it's the behavior of my dad over the years that made me the way I am today.

For example, when I was a little boy, I wanted a hamster. My dad promised I could have one if I learned all about hamsters and how to take care of them. So I scurried off to the library and learned all I could. I excitedly told me dad all about hamsters, and I was especially proud of how they organized themselves.

I told him that they organized every corner of the cage for different things. I explained that one corner was used for sleeping, one for food, one for pooping, and one for playing.

So he came home with a round cage.

That was shortly before he convinced me that raisins were actually dried hamster turds. That was also somewhat after him and his delinquent buddy showed me some motor oil and asked me if I was thirsty.

I spend the next few days wondering where my drink was.

Also, he never took me to marine land.


As you can seen, all this lead to me.

I'm so very sorry.

8 keen observations:

Anonymous said...

Our mother is not overweight...but, point taken.

And, for what it's worth, we don't sit around talking about vaginas at my feminist chorus.

Your Sister

billymac said...

your dad actually sounds pretty cool. chicks definitely talk about the vages when in packs... it's like a social tick.

Hungry Mother said...

I always thought that women talked about their boobs when they were together. Also, I thought they talked about their breasts.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Damn, I wish you'd have listened. I know nothing about overweight pregnant lesbian's vaginas. You could have educated me.

Technodoll said...

Hah! Women get together and talk about dick, if you want to know. Yep. Sometimes jane comes up too but that's not so often.

Hurrah for parties!

C.Rag said...

Last night my vag & ass hole had a party... a little DVDA action.

Anonymous said...

HAHAH! MIKE I would have taken you to marine land! lol well I would have told you that to stop you from asking..

Your dad sounds HOT! oh and that Vagina stuff is Nasty! hahahahahah
NOT all women talk like that.. well at least not at a feast! hahahah


Knight said...

If you dad has such a gas problem they probably were happy the two of you were not in the same room. Tell him to lay off the motor oil and raisins. That might help.